Author: Jordan Reynolds

As close to handsome as we get.
Corbyn and Nine Other Pop Culture Hitlers That Headlined At Glastonbury

Corbyn and Nine Other Pop Culture Hitlers That Headlined At Glastonbury

I could just see him. I pushed my head above the crowd at Glastonbury like a drowning rat desperately surfacing for air. He looked resplendent: his little moustache neatly trimmed, his armband secured tightly, and his Schutzstaffel hat tilted just slightly toward stage left. The crowd began to chant as he recited the final lines …

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Magic Money Tree Tells PM to ‘Fuck Off’

Magic Money Tree Tells PM to ‘Fuck Off’

Prime Minister and chairwoman of Witches Without Brooms Theresa May, 151, has announced that she wants to appoint the infamous Magic Money Tree to her ministerial cabinet. In-between meetings with the DUP and Robert Mugabe, Prime Minister May found the time to release a statement claiming that, by bringing Mr Mun-E-Tree into a ministerial position, …

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Verbal Discharge’s Obscure Christmas Facts, Part Two

Verbal Discharge’s Obscure Christmas Facts, Part Two

If you haven’t seen part one, check it out! God forbid you miss any of these earth-shattering facts. The air grows lighter, the mood grows lighter, your money receptacle grows lighter. Oh… and the house grows lighter, because, you know, you’ve probably put up Christmas lights by now. And, like slavering yetis, the majority of …

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Verbal Discharge’s Obscure Christmas Facts, The Beginning

Verbal Discharge’s Obscure Christmas Facts, The Beginning

Christmas has been everywhere, on the television, on the radio, and on the high-street. But it wasn’t until the John Lewis advert that the true capitalist inside of us all rolled over like an overweight boxer dog, bounced on the big ole Christmas trampoline of pre-Noël excitement, and cried out in pure festive joy. Even the Verbal Discharge lot …

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Eight Times Someone Definitely Said Something, Someplace, Sometime

Eight Times Someone Definitely Said Something, Someplace, Sometime

I’ve spent four years, two degrees, and over £50,000 broadening my horizons at University. What I learnt was this, somebody, somewhere, said something and that is somewhat important for some reason So here is the definitive list of some things people have said, with some citations, in some sort of a list.   1.    Erm… …

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What Apple ACTUALLY Did With Their Extra Thirteen Billion Euros!

What Apple ACTUALLY Did With Their Extra Thirteen Billion Euros!

Apple, the tech giant, multi media enterprise, and… fruit, known mainly for their IGrannySmith range of smartphones for elderly women, have been in the headlines recently for a little something known as Corporate tax avoidance. Ireland, land of potatoes and Jameson whisky, has allowed Apple to keep almost Thirteen Billion Euros in exchange for some gentle spooning every other …

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My Week at the Job Centre

My Week at the Job Centre

The job centre in Telford is a red-brick shard, a monolith that is supposed to puncture the thin membrane between unemployment and a shit job. As a fresh graduate, I have come to loath that little green job centre plus sign, a putrid goblin of a logo. As a creative writer I have made my fair share of …

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Five Occasions That Prove That Having a Berserker as a Best Friend is Harder Than it Seems.

Five Occasions That Prove That Having a Berserker as a Best Friend is Harder Than it Seems.

‘Now don’t get me wrong, deep down, Nathan is a really nice guy. But please don’t bring him to the party tonight, not until he has sorted out of that weird berserker problem of his.’ 1.) Parties     My best friend Nathan is a right laugh, everything he does is proper funny. However, when …

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Where Did These Red Circles Come From and What Do They Want From Us?: A Conspiracy Theory

Where Did These Red Circles Come From and What Do They Want From Us?: A Conspiracy Theory

.   As an avid conspiracy theorist with such studies to my name as, Seriously Guys, There Is An Atomically Armed Alien War Station On The Moon! and The Reasons You Didn’t Know Your Mother Was A Time Travelling Reptilian Sales Representative For TK Maxx, comes my newest investigation into something that is totally not nugatory in any …

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How to Write a Dissertation Quickly.

How to Write a Dissertation Quickly.

‘Go on!’ Your Dad says, ‘Kick the ball lad!’ ‘I don’t want to,’ you complain ‘I just want to be a sandwich artist.’ ‘Ridiculous you soppy tit, stop acting like a girl.’ ‘Dad, I am a girl!’ You protest, kicking the ball in defiance. ‘If only I had a son.’ He rests his face on his …

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9 Things ALL Popes Know To Be True.

9 Things ALL Popes Know To Be True.

Mobility: If you have more than 45 degrees of flexibility in any of your joints, you can’t be Pope. It’s just true. God is really annoying: You’ve reached the pinnacle of Catholic positioning. You are the Pope, no one on earth is higher than you in this hierarchy. But every time you stand in your …

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