Author: Ben Knight

Does an OK David Bowie impression.
Grak Weighs In – Soulless Derby

Grak Weighs In – Soulless Derby

Greetings, travellers, and welcome to Grak’s lair – please, pull up a rock and put your feet on the pile of rotting anuses Grak has amassed over the past seven seasons (during the Great Butt-Rending). Grak doesn’t get much news and/or sunlight down in the subterranean underrealms below Derby but recently when checking  “The Derby …

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The Cursed Ready Meal

The Cursed Ready Meal

God damn. Fucking hell, right. Listen to what happened to me today. I went to Aldi for my fortnightly shop because I’d run out of food – I’d been eating nothing but sandwiches made from uncooked spaghetti for the past few days and Jesus Christ my teeth. Anyway, right, I turned up to Aldi and …

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So How About This Weather We’re Having

So How About This Weather We’re Having

We’re both sat in the pub on Wednesday night, and we’re the only people in there. The barman went downstairs to change a barrel and hasn’t come back for over an hour – poor Steve, carbon monoxide probably got him. But that’s not what I’m going to talk to you about that – I mean, …

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This Is The Best Pig You’ve Ever Seen

This Is The Best Pig You’ve Ever Seen

Hold up. Hold the fucking phone and stop what you’re doing. I’m addressing you, the reader, as a passer-by in my street of words. I, the town crier or market vendor in a busy Victorian-era cobble road, stand atop an empty, upturned apple crate and shout at you with my open palm perpendicular to my …

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Unbelievable fan theories of your favourite TV shows and movies

Unbelievable fan theories of your favourite TV shows and movies

Down in the sweaty armpit of the internet live a particular group of recluses and ne’er-do-wells that grow on ropes like mussels, who have nothing better to do their two-week existences than scream fan theories for their favourite TV shows and movies. They do this in the dark as they developed over generations without eyes …

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The Expedition to find the Star Wars fan

The Expedition to find the Star Wars fan

  We’d been camping for days in this vast and dense jungle, cutting through vines and, regrettably, resorting to consuming our guide’s flesh to survive. The tender meat of his hips satisfied the rumbling in our stomachs, but the stringy brain tissue set our minds into unrest. Almost regressing our mental processes back to childhood. …

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How To Work Out At Legoland Windsor Resort

How To Work Out At Legoland Windsor Resort

Okay bro, picture this – it’s your nine year old nephew’s birthday and you’ve gone with your actual bro’s family to Legoland Windsor Resort for a few days (God knows you need the company, you’ve spent every day for the past month staring into a gym mirror with only veiny arms and creatine shits to …

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To coincide with the release of Legend, I went down the street shooting at people

To coincide with the release of Legend, I went down the street shooting at people

“Argh” said a bystander at exactly 4:10 this morning. “Please stop shooting at us” Another said “My dad got shot in the leg, please we need a doctor” But what these people didn’t understand was that to correspond with the release of Legend, Brian Helgeland’s biopic of the infamous Kray twins starring Mad Max’s Tom …

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5 Reasons Why I Hate The Jeremy Kyle Show

5 Reasons Why I Hate The Jeremy Kyle Show

Since I passed my GCSEs around 2010, I had to deal with the horrors of the real world. The worst of these horrors, however, was the sudden exposure to daytime television. I’d previously caught fleeting glimpses of those pre-afternoon slots when I was off sick from school – and boy, are the puppets in educational …

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