Category: Blogs

This Is The Best Pig You’ve Ever Seen

This Is The Best Pig You’ve Ever Seen

Hold up. Hold the fucking phone and stop what you’re doing. I’m addressing you, the reader, as a passer-by in my street of words. I, the town crier or market vendor in a busy Victorian-era cobble road, stand atop an empty, upturned apple crate and shout at you with my open palm perpendicular to my …

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14 Things Doctors Don’t Want YOU To Know!

14 Things Doctors Don’t Want YOU To Know!

Doctors know a lot of things, there is no disputing that. My Doctor once looked into my eyes and saw the future. At least, I think that was a Doctor, albeit a homeless and drunk one. The point is, Doctors are smart. Very smart. They are Doctor Doctor Science Surgeon People and they have degrees …

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New Year, New You: A Verbal Discharge Guide to New Year’s Resolutions

New Year, New You: A Verbal Discharge Guide to New Year’s Resolutions

Well, loyal Discharge fans, it looks like that time is finally upon us. Old Grandfather Time has reached the end of yet another calender year, and he’s already dousing himself in gasoline and getting ready to set himself ablaze. Worry not though, witless peons, this annual bout of self immolation brings with it the New …

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Top Ten Reasons to Hate People Over Christmas

Top Ten Reasons to Hate People Over Christmas

So Christmas is breaking its neck trying to force itself through your letterbox, but all you can think about is how ‘piff’ and ‘on point’ your neighbours decorations are. If that wasn’t enough, they’ve also synced their lighting to ‘Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree.’ You could cut the wire, sit in the front room and …

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HOW TO: Kill Your Arch-Nemesis

HOW TO: Kill Your Arch-Nemesis

The time has come and you know it. They stole your favourite set of nesting dolls, or burnt your crops, or had passionate intercourse with your partner, or something like that. I’m speaking of course, about your Arch-Nemesis…

How To Work Out At Legoland Windsor Resort

How To Work Out At Legoland Windsor Resort

Okay bro, picture this – it’s your nine year old nephew’s birthday and you’ve gone with your actual bro’s family to Legoland Windsor Resort for a few days (God knows you need the company, you’ve spent every day for the past month staring into a gym mirror with only veiny arms and creatine shits to …

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Top 10 Things to See and Do in Derby!

Top 10 Things to See and Do in Derby!

I am a man, and in order to continue being a man, I must be currently positioned in a location. Whilst I have considered the alternative of instead becoming ethereal, I have come to the decision that I would rather stay where I am, and that where is the glorious city of Derby! Derby is …

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HOW TO: Form a Cult in 5 Easy Steps

HOW TO: Form a Cult in 5 Easy Steps

C’mon, admit it. You’ve thought about it before haven’t you? Its okay, you can shamelessly come forward with your confession, we’ve all been there. Be it whilst dusting the house or working your nine-to-five, the thought has occurred to all of us; “everything would be so much easier if I was the charismatic head of …

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Top 10 Tips for Freshers!!

Top 10 Tips for Freshers!!

The long summer has but recently knocked itself on the head, like a policeman with a baton in a comedy crime caper, unconscious for seemingly a year. You sit, nervously, panicking about the times ahead. ‘Boy,’ you say to yourself with a wistful sigh ‘University!’. But you shouldn’t panic, because university is not scary, and it’s …

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Twenty-Eighty-Four

Twenty-Eighty-Four

What life will be like in a Verbal Dystopian future. Daytime television just wasn’t cutting it for me any more. The sound of Tony Robinson cooing to his ever decreasing audience as he tries to pass off dirty codpieces as Roman pottery was getting boring. So I did the only thing a sane person would …

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