New Year, New You: A Verbal Discharge Guide to New Year’s Resolutions

New Year, New You: A Verbal Discharge Guide to New Year’s Resolutions

Well, loyal Discharge fans, it looks like that time is finally upon us. Old Grandfather Time has reached the end of yet another calender year, and he’s already dousing himself in gasoline and getting ready to set himself ablaze. Worry not though, witless peons, this annual bout of self immolation brings with it the New Year, and like a Phoenix he will rise from the ashes and give birth to 2016, the year of our lord.

If that decrepit old fuck can do it, then why can’t you? It’s a new year, baby, and its time for a new you. So take a long, uncompromising look in the mirror, pick some parts of yourself you don’t like, and prepare to lose them just like Hitler lost his grip on Europe when he failed to secure his supply lines.

But, we understand that making changes of such a calibre can be a big challenge. So in order to help you become a slightly better version of yourself, we’re here to help you with some of the biggies.

Biggie Smalls
That isn’t what I meant and you know it.


 

GO TO THE GYM – GET FIT, GET LIT

gym-instructor
“Don’t forget to wipe your fucking sweat off the cross trainer”

One of the most common New Year’s resolutions is to shed some serious poundage. You said it last year, you said it the year before that, and the year before that, but this year you really mean business. You’re gonna go to the gym, or start running, or eat some of that healthy green paste shit everyone always goes on about. Kale? Is that what it’s called? Lord if you know, your diet consists mainly of spoonfuls of butter and family buckets of KFC.

But that’s all going to change, isn’t it? You’re aren’t going to be one of those resolutioners. You aren’t going to be one those people who join the gym in January, only to see the gym as a distant memory come mid-February. No, no, no. You’re gonna be brave, and bold, and ride that cycle machine like your life depended on it. You’re gonna lift so many free-weights that all your muscles will tear away from your bones. You’re gonna work until you swe-

Christ on a Bike all this exercise is hard work isn’t it? Someone bring me my butter spoon.

BONUS MOTIVATIONAL SONG FROM ‘VOICE OF A GENERATION, PROBABLY’ ARTIST; LETHAL BIZZLE:

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5pTPHU2g4Ws&w=560&h=315]


STOP SMOKING YOU FUCKING IDIOT

143687748265-wwwheartwiseministriesorg-Lady-Smoking-blackwhite

You started when you were 16. All the cool kids did it. After school you’d go round to your friend Alan’s house, and when his parents weren’t looking you’d sneak into his garden to secretly puff on a cancer stick through an intricately devised system of hollowed out horse carcasses. ‘Its way better this way‘ Alan told you ‘smoking through the remains of several dead horses makes it, like, ten times cooler‘. It seemed cool at the time didn’t it? Well it isn’t cool anymore.

When you were a moody teenager, living in an age bracket that largely prides itself on having a cycnical, nonchalant attitude towards life, it could obviously be percieved as cool to participate in an activity that actually brings you slowly closer to death. “Because, like, who cares, you know? We’re all gonna die someday anyway, right? Like, I don’t even care what my mum says, all the cool kids smoke” you probably said when you were a moody little fuck.

But you know what isn’t cool? Lung cancer. Why don’t you stick that in your pipe and smoke it, just like you’d smoke your filthy tobacco you yellow-fingered cretin.


STAGE A NEW YEARS REVOLUTION

French Revolution

What’s a resolution without a revolution? If you’re looking to make big changes in the new year, then why not start by overthrowing your government? The French did it all those years ago, and you can too. Gather up all of your proletariat friends and rally behind a common cause like ‘Down with the all powerful Monarchy!‘, or ‘Be gone widespread socioeconomic disparity!‘, or even ‘More legroom on busses!

#TallPeopleRights

Whatever you choose to do, be sure to put the people you overthrow to death. In the wake of the French Revolution, many governors and noblemen were decapitated. You should make sure you do the same. In the wise, wise words of Daniel ‘Decapitating’ Davis:

There really is nothing quite like it. Wake up first thing – sharpen the guillotine. Then spend all day decapitating your enemies. The precision of the blade, the spray of blood on your face, the slight twitching of the bodies as they fall limp. Really, there’s not better family day out


If you like James’ work, there isn’t really much hope for you. Regardless, he can be found every week on Verbal Discharge, spouting his usual toss.

James Bosson is best known as the loudest member of Verbal Discharge. He spends most of his free time obsessively shouting at the News.

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