The Films That Almost Caused Nuclear War

The Films That Almost Caused Nuclear War

OwenIt may yet transpire that, in hundreds of years time, our children’s grandchildren could well be reading the name ‘Seth Rogen’ in their history books. While key artistic achievements such as Guilt Trip and The Green Hornet may have faded into the void of time, he could well be remembered, not a movie star, but as The Man Who Started The Third World War (Think a really stoned Arch-Duke Franz Ferdinand). If you’re in any way aware that news sites exist, then chances are you’ve seen the uproar being caused about Rogen’s latest directorial effort, The Interview. However, many outside of the movie industry don’t know that this is hardly the first time a Hollywood film has almost caused global destruction, oh no. Here, exclusively on Verbal Discharge, are eight more films that each almost started a nuclear war…

 

The Squid and the Whale (2005)
Noah Baumbach’s damning autobiographical exploration of divorce and its effects on childhood and his personal development became a sore point when his mother, portrayed in the film by Laura Linney, was democratically installed as ruler of North Korea.

 

 

 

 

Pacific Rim (2013)
A time traveller abusing his power showed this to George W Bush and he thought it was a Japanese propaganda ad. He invested thousands into a Kaiju division for the US government.

 

 

 

 

Love Actually (2003)
The ending caused Barack Obama, watching it for the first time in 2011, to cry so hard he accidentally leant on the ‘fire nuclear missiles at Canada’ button on his desk as he blubbed into what had become a collage of tissues upon his face, his tears acting as a kind of sombre glue. Vancouver was totaled and thousands died, but nobody seems to have noticed.

 

 

 

The Wolf of Wall Street (2014)
What? No Oscar for Leo? How dare he be beaten by one of a number of superior performances!

 

 

 

 

 

Dr Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)
Confusion arose when, on the last day of term before Christmas, Ban Ki-Moon decided to give the assorted members of the UN a lighter day and show them one of his favourite films. He forgot to mention it was a satire, for their entertainment.

 

 

 

 

Nativity! 3: Dude, Where’s My Donkey?! (2014)
Only avoided because, after watching it, nobody with access to nuclear weapons ever found out where director Debbie Issitt lives.

 

 

 

Fight Club (1999)
After watching the scene in which Edward Norton repeatedly beat up, India president Pranab Mukherjee started to do this himself. This became a genuine hazard to the health of said premier, as he would attend Lok Sabha sessions positively black and blue. This reached it’s logical climax last year when Mukherjee realised he could elicit the ultimate beating on himself, and nuke his own country. Only a visit from the real Edward Norton could calm Mukherjee down enough for him to relinquish power. His struggles have been kept private at the request of his wife.

 

Saving Mr Banks (2013)
The film features one shot of Tom Hanks’ Walt Disney stubbing out a cigarette, but originally, over thirty-six minutes of the movie’s runtime was going to be taken up by Tom Hanks smoking. When the Disney corporation got hold of the script, wanting to protect the public image of their late beloved anti-Semite behemoth, they bought LucasArts and intended to let the Death Star on them. They would later discover they only bought the rights to the Star Wars IP, and not the technology itself, so decided to commission three more films as they slunk back to their yachts, disappointed at the mere millions they were going to make.

If you’re interested or whatever, the Verbal Discharge collective discuss the whole The Interview ‘thing’ on our Christmas Podcast. Just if you’re interested. I mean, I’m not going to force you to listen. Just if you want. It’s there. It’s an option.

Nick Clegg apologist.

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