Donald Trump is a cartoon character trapped in the real world.

Donald Trump is a cartoon character trapped in the real world.

My name is Billy Bob Crumble, and I am a cartoon character. More importantly, I am a cartoon character inhabiting the world from which Donald Trump originated. That’s right, you heard me, Donald Trump is a cartoon.

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I first met Mr. Trump when I worked at the bank from which I am now happily retired. It was the summer of 1984, and the hot sun filtered down in clean-cut beams on a static background that no characters could interact with. I was sorting a set of blank card props when I heard a sound I had never heard before – a musical cue for a character I’d never met. It was like a few haphazard notes from a tuba, the sort of thing that would signify a particularly large or cumbersome character. Perhaps an elephant, perhaps a clumsy man. But it was neither – when the door burst open, there he was. Standing tall and pompous with his yellow hair bouncing on his head and his suit comedically stuffed with dollar bills. An uninspired design, sure, but one certain to become iconic when the show became a cult classic. And I was right, in a way.

“Dyurrr, what’s up, Moneybags?” said the cartoon’s main character, Parple – a purple cat with a bowler hat. Being from a time when this was the fashion in cartoons, canned laughter rattled in the wake of his joke.

“My name’s Donald Trump!” said Donald Trump, who paused as the canned laughter followed his rude name. “And I’m the owner of this here bank, see!”

Then Parple laid the heavy hitter. “Trump, you say? Better lay off the beans, buddy!” The laughter howled at this, while Parple turned to the camera and winked. Meanwhile, Donald Trump was red with rage, steam blowing out of his ears alongside the whistle of an old kettle. And just like that, the kids loved us.

The show was commissioned for nine more seasons, not including the spinoffs and the made-for-TV movie. For God’s sake, we even had Adam West to guest star. The merchandise, though, that was where the real money came from. Shirts, toys, lunchboxes – the big leagues.

But none of it was of Donald Trump. Though he was a villainous figure, he wasn’t even the main villain. That honour went to Thaddeus Squelch. Donald Trump was unpopular, doomed to be a hairy yellow dot in Parple’s shadow.

 

Shortly after Parple’s death of cancer at 69 years old, the network decided to axe the show. Sometime before the show’s cancellation, I sat down with Donald Trump for a drink at the Milk Bar – the censors wouldn’t allow portrayal of alcohol. Donald Trump was wracked with hopelessness and despair, looking down into his exaggerated stein while tears streamed from his whiteless eyes.

“It’s not fair, I tell ya!” he bawled. The room began to comically flood with tears. “Years of hard work, and nothing to show for it! I’m nothing compared to that gosh darn mouse!”

“Aw jeez, Mr. Trump” I said. “It’ll be okay, maybe you’ll get a cameo in another show.”

“No, no, no. Who’ll ever remember me, Donald Trump? What would-be animator will I inspire enough to put a reference as obscure as me in their cartoon? No, I won’t settle to stagnate in this dying world having not attained icon status. I’ll go somewhere else! I’ll go to Dr. Cheesenberger! He’ll find a new world to send me too!”

Just like that, drunk off sweet dairy, Donald Trump stormed off to Dr. Cheesenberger’s lab in the next scene. Cheesenberger was your generic mad scientist character – labcoat, crazy blue hair, spiral eye glasses. Criminally underdesigned, but still more popular than Donald Trump was.

“Ah! If it isn’t ze great Donald Trump!” he said nasally, tearing up the scenery with his ‘IT’S ALIVE’ voice.

“Save it, four eyes!” yelled Donald Trump. “I need you to send me to another world where I can be a success, capiche?

Cheesenberger thought for a moment. “As it happens, Herr Trump, I’ve been working on a teleportation device!”

“Teleportation? Well, it’s my lucky day ain’t it! Put me in, Doc!”

The Doctor looked visibly concerned. This wasn’t in the script, Donald Trump was monologue a hair-brained scheme where he used the device to teleport money to himself. “It… it is not vorking quite yet, Herr Trump perhaps you could vait…”

“You just don’t get it Doc! I’m tired of waiting!” In one lumbering motion, Donald Trump snatched the device from the Cheesenberger’s hands and turned it on himself.

“No! Vait! Zis is not in ze script!”

As the device powered up and made everyone in the room look like skeletons, Donald Trump used his last moments in the cartoon for one final hammy line. “This is one small step for Trump!” he bellowed. “And one giant leap for MONEY!”

And just like that, Trump was gone. Gone from our lives, and gone from the cartoon.

 

Now he’s in the real world, and he’s running for president in the United States. He’s had his success, and now he’s trying to get the greatest power in the world. He hopes this will take him back to his cartoon home, but nothing can now. He’s doomed to live a life in a world of flesh and death, and not one of inky immortality. I do not envy him.

Does an OK David Bowie impression.

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