Tommy ‘The Blade’ Borrell’s Top 5 Tips for a Successful Knife Fight

Tommy ‘The Blade’ Borrell’s Top 5 Tips for a Successful Knife Fight

A team of archaeologists unearthed a series of documents early last week in the wonderful land of Kent. These documents consist primarily of the hand-written memoirs of 16th century knife-fighting champion Tommy ‘The Blade’ Borrell. Even at the time of writing, these are being compiled into a chunky volume ready to hit the shelves of UK book retailers, and will be titled: ‘The First Cut is the Deepest – The Life and Times of a 16th Century Professional Knife Fighter’.

Verbal Discharge, with our vast web of spies and sheer mastery of industrial espionage, have managed to obtain these exclusives straight from Tommy ‘The Blade’ Borrell, himself. These are:

Tommy ‘The Blade’ Borrell’s Top 5 Tips fora Successful Knife Fight:

1) The Devil’s Talons – Given that here in the 16th Century, Christian religions are immensely cemented in society, we can easily make note of Lucifer himself, and draw inspiration from his doings. Like a big red shit, the devil is, like, proper good at stabbing and stuff. My mate Rancid Dan once told me he once saw Satan slice up a baker down a side-street. That’s what he told the court anyway, when they asked him why his house was full of bread and baker’s blood. I, for one, believe every word he says. Anyway…where was I going? Oh yeah, knives. It’s wise to use them in a knife fight.

2) Speed of the Sparrow – Just like our King here in the 16th Century, Henry VIII, you must envision your opponent to be a bloated half-corpse lumbering his way across the battlefield (obviously I could not publically state this here in the 16th Century, so I have left my memoirs stored away for access at a later time). Like a gelatinous mass of fat your opponent will be incapable of keeping pace with your immense speed. Your swift darting to and fro must make their moves comparatively unwieldy, and whilst your movements are rapid and borderline surgical in precision, theirs will seem to be the physical embodiment of type 2 diabetes.

3) Keep Your Eyes to The Sky – Your knife fighting opponent will be expecting you to keep all of your attention focused on the knife fight. And yes, whilst everyone who has ever been in a knife fight will tell you to stay focused on the angry knife-wielding psycho before you, I have always found the opposite to be far superior strategy. By refusing to make even so much as eye contact with my opponent, and by staring up at the heavens for the entire duration of the fight, I can lull my opponent into a false sense of security, and can then shank them in the neck when they turn away to confirm that I am a mentally sound competitor and that it is morally okay to fight me. Unconventional, I know, but I’ve never lost a match.

4) Down and Dirty – Look, I won’t lie to you. Knife fighting is a savage, and often literally cutthroat world. You can’t go clinging onto notions of a ‘fair fight’ when you’re paired off with some grumpy wreck-head accusing you of sodomising his family (WE WOULD LIKE TO REMIND ALL READERS THAT THE ALLEGATIONS MADE AGAINST THE AUTHOR WERE NEVER LEGALLY PROVEN AND ALL CHARGES WERE DISMISSED), sometimes, you’ve just gotta play dirty. If that means throwing some dirt in some eyes, or initiating a knife-fight by stabbing a stranger in the back without warning, then so be it.

5) A Penny Saved is a Penny Earned – Even during knife-fights, it is important to keep track of your finances. Invest wisely, and put a small amount of each paycheque into a savings account. Also, it is imperative that you have a good grasp on income taxes, and are fully aware of your gross pay is determined. When it comes to monetary security, it pays to be an expert in managing your finances.

James Bosson is best known as the loudest member of Verbal Discharge. He spends most of his free time obsessively shouting at the News.

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