14 Things Doctors Don’t Want YOU To Know!

14 Things Doctors Don’t Want YOU To Know!

Doctors know a lot of things, there is no disputing that. My Doctor once looked into my eyes and saw the future. At least, I think that was a Doctor, albeit a homeless and drunk one. The point is, Doctors are smart. Very smart. They are Doctor Doctor Science Surgeon People and they have degrees and mortgages and subscriptions to National Geographic and all kinds of brainy shit. Given the truly sensational amount of information that all Doctors retain, it stands to reason that they also know things that they don’t want you to know.

Fortunately, your godly friends over at Verbal Discharge have devoted literally minutes of our lives to researching everything that Doctors would prefer you weren’t aware of. Here, today, on our website, in words, in small glyphs we discern as letters, we can reveal the top 14 things that Doctors don’t you to know.

1) I’m having an affair.

Slightly indian doctor maybe
“Please don’t tell my wife”


2) I park in a disabled spot every single day.

Happy smiling physician
“I’ve been getting away with it for fucking years”


3) I’m secretly Chairman Mao.

doctor mao
“Did you know that between 1949 and 1975, I increased the average life expectancy in China from 35 to 63? I knew that, because I did that. I’m Chairman fucking Mao, baby. I get so much pussy”


4) I have, like, 6 bodily piercings.

Doctor Leanington.jpg
“I bet you can’t guess where they are”


5) I’m not even qualified. I’m literally just a gecko.

“I don’t understand how no one has noticed yet. I don’t even hide it”


6) I will kill you.

Doctor shaking hand with girl
“OMG, Stacy, how many times do I have to tell you to stay away from my boyfriend? If you ever pull this shit again I swear you aren’t invited to my birthday party”


7) I stored this stethoscope in the fridge all week.

Doctor holding stethoscope
“It’s going to be so, so cold, and so, so invasive”


8) I’m blazed as fuck right now.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TAx1_CsJc1k&w=420&h=315]


9) I hope you like Heroin.

Doctor making diabetes patient insulin flu shot
“Choose life lol”


10) I haven’t been home in almost 4 months.

Smiling lady dcotor
“Please help. They won’t let me leave. I just want to see my kids. This place is a prison of lies”


11) I am the passenger.

Iggy pop
“And I ride and I ride”


12) Oooohhh Eeeeee Oooohhhh Ahh Ahhh Ting Tang Walla Walla Bing Bang

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UNAr5tzZxdk&w=420&h=315]


13) I’m Sam Fisher.

Splinter cell.jpg
“Have you seen this crazy headgear? I actually get paid to wear this! It’s unreal. Like, I’m basically Sam Fisher. Have you ever played the Splinter Cell games? I thought Blacklist was a bit disappointing, but sometimes I still bash the Chaos Theory co-op with my boys. What do you mean the patient is dead?”

14) Your brain begins to deteriorate at 27.

“Cognitive research has conclusively proven that brain functionality peaks between ages 22 and 27, after which your brain will begin to steadily deteriorate until you finally reach the sweet embrace of your inevitable death”


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Verbal Discharge.


James Bosson is best known as the loudest member of Verbal Discharge. He spends most of his free time obsessively shouting at the News.

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