EXCLUSIVE: The Six Nations’ coaches tactics leaked!

EXCLUSIVE: The Six Nations’ coaches tactics leaked!

Last year, the rugby world was ‘rocked’ when Australia coach Michael Cheika’s masterplan to stop the All Blacks was leaked ahead of the Rugby World Cup Final. It included details that have since revolutionised rugby, such as ‘Catch everything’ and the revelation that, unlike Derek Zoolander, Dan Carter can run left.

However, these rugby truths were not enough for the team here at Verbal Discharge. So we decided to engage in criminal activity. Just yesterday, we broke in to the headquarters of all six nations in the upcoming Six Nations, stealing vital coaching documents and hotfooting it out of there like Craig Joubert late for a very important date. What follows is sensitive information that must not be seen by the opposition at all costs. These are exclusive snippets from the coaching diaries of Misters Gatland, Schmidt, Jones, Cotter, Brunel and Noves…

WALES

Rob Howley’s Guide to the Welsh attack plan [Printed in full]

Tactics #1: Plan A

Line-out. Just be safe and chuck it to Chartieris, forwards, because not even Huw Bennett could miss that guy. Ball off the top. Scrum-half readies the pass. He has two options:

Option 1. Pass to Dan who gives a flat ball to Jamie Roberts.

Option 2. Flat ball straight to Jamie Roberts.

Jamie smashes it up the middle. Rest of the team clear him out, cross their fingers and hope the defence will unpack itself.

Tactic #2: Give it to Shane George

If Shane George is unavailable, try Hooky Gav Alex.

Tactics #3: Kick it and defend instead.

Doesn’t even matter where you kick it, Rhys. Just boot it and let us tackle for a bit. Maybe eek out three points. It’s really our best attacking formation.

 

SCOTLAND

EXTRACTS FROM VERN COTTER’S DIARY

Knock-On (Dated 18th September 2014)

This is not a tactic I was aware of, but it seems to have been working for the Scottish national team for many years. In fact, one supporter I spoke to even said they consider the knock-on their “Friend”, and was worried when that I, as a Kiwi, might try to eliminate them from the Scottish gameplan that has worked for hundreds of years. Well, let it be said, I embrace tradition, and encourage as many of the Scots players to ‘knock-on’ as they please.

Pluckiness (Dated 6th January 2016)

At Clermont, we never won anything and yet people would consistently refer to us as the best team in Europe. In the Rugby World Cup, all we had to do was get some people mad with a referee and suddenly the press are saying we’re the best team in the Northern Hemisphere. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about rugby, it’s that you don’t actually have to win to be good at it (Also see: Last year’s Six Nations). If we can just kick a few penalties here and there and occasionally do a good tackle, people won’t notice anything else.

Joe (Dated 26th January 2016)

I think he might actually like me and I’m so happy I could die. Like, actually die for love, like Romeo died for Juliet, or Quade Cooper’s career died for cash. He’s gorgeous. He’s the most gorgeous boy in the class. And I’m sure he plays guitar. I mean, look at him, he’s smart and he’s sensitive, I’m sure he plays guitar, that’s what those kind of boys do, right? Unless he writes poetry, which is basically the same thing, but he’s about six times more likely to cry when we lose our virginity together. I sometimes spend entire nights thinking about Joe. I love him. I don’t care what my dad says. I love Joe. And today, at the Six Nations launch, he looked at me. Right after the official coaches photo was taken, he looked at me. The moment the championship is done, I’m going to invite him over to play Ape Escape. Just you watch me.

 

ITALY

I broke in to the Italy training facility a few nights ago. It’s a beautiful place, and Castro is awe-inspiring in the flesh, even when he’s sleeping. However, when I snuck in to do some Pocock-esue pilfering, I found nothing. There was a great big book entitled ‘TACTICS’, but when I opened it, I found it was blank but for the word ‘Scrummage’ written in six different languages and a small drawing of Sergio Parisse flexing.

 

ENGLAND

G’day, mate. It’s me, Eddie Jones! You might know me as the cracker of a bloke who got the Japs their win over the Saffers, or made the Wallabies put up a good enough fight that Jonny had to drop that bloody goal in 2003. Except now I love that, because I’m the bloody England coach now, and decided, y’know what, mate? I’m not just gonna let you take a squizz at my tactics, but tell ’em to Verbal Discharge directly. Also, I’m going to pretend to be a hideous, borderline offensive national stereotype because the Honey Badger wasn’t available for that duty.

Kick for the bloody poles, mate

Ignore what my team did against South Africa last year. Ignore what my countrymen did against South Africa last year. Ignore the backlash when Robshaw made the opposite decision against South Africa the other year. We’re not playing South Africa. We’re playing bloody Scotland. It’s not like they’re going to score a try.

Think carefully about selection

Elliot Daly is really good but his name is not a coincidence. We can only use him for one day. Ever. And I want to save that day for a rainy day, except not a rainy day because the wet conditions would make his running and passing game less effective. Anyway, I’m not picking him, mate. Tom Young ain’t in either, because I’m kinda over the inspirational story that he used to play Centre for Nottingham. Oh, and Anthony Watson and Mike Brown can go too, because they were good in the World Cup and we need to distance ourselves from that debacle as much as bloody possible.

Manic aggression

If we wanna be the tall poppies of this division, we need to be angry as a koala who hasn’t necked a tinnie of Fosters in, like, three days. Oh my god writing in an Australian accent is hard. I’m not sure I can do this any more. I just feel like I’m upsetting people. Basically, the joke here was going to be something about how Eddie Jones is going to make the England team really angry, leading up to me saying Dylan Hartley is a prick. There we go. Joke over. Let’s move on. Ireland.

 

IRELAND

Joe Schmidt’s 2016 Coaching Bible, entries 267-270, subsection 24.b: Plays Involving Rob Kearney (4).

267. Rob uses his aerial prowess to take a high ball majestically. He then runs into the closest opposition forward. This gives us a unique advantage, as most defences will be expecting him to do something useful, like pass, counter-attack or return the kick. Hopefully, this unorthodox fullbacking will shock the opposition so much they simply decide to concede the game.

268. Rob is passed the ball in relative space. He should then run back in to the ruck, as this is the area with the greatest concentration of players. Therefor, he should go through and score, because all of them will be expecting someone else to tackle him. Psychological warfare. This is why I continue to pick Kearney. Because he is really good at this.

269. It came to my attention in training today that Rob might at some point be tempted to pass. This must be snuffed out sooner rather than later. Funny, because he’s never shown that inclination before.

270. IN DEFENCE: It is vital that Rob never commits to the ball carrier if they have support. Common logic is to teach fullbacks to tackle the man who has the ball. Instead, I think we could turn rugby on it’s head by just having him drift off onto the closest attacker without the ball. Every single time. Without fail. In fact, I’ve taken the liberty of using the prototype time machine I’m building to get 2009-era Paul O’Connell back in the team to visit 1987 and steal Baby Kearney’s favourite learn-to-suck-tool from between his lips. Hopefully this shall provide efficient enough trauma to the lad that he shall buy every dummy he ever sees.

 

FRANCE

Guy Noves’ coaching bible contains the same three words as Philippe Saint-Andre before him, and Marc Lievermont before him. It contains but the three most profound words in the French language.

“Et puis merde”.

 

______

 

If you in any way enjoyed this, why not please your senses with some more from this site? There’s a new blog post (Like this!) every Wednesday, and a new podcast every Friday. It’s all really rather good.

If you’re a person interested in rugby, why not listen to the story about how we essentially bullied and made fraudulent claims on the part of former Wales & Ospreys centre Andrew Bishop? Umm, it’s funny. Honest. It starts around the half-hour mark on the podcast.

You have no idea how tempted I am to write a slash fiction between Vern Cotter and Joe Schmidt.

Nick Clegg apologist.

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