Top 5 Celebrities You WON’T BELIEVE Used to Have Marginally Successful Rap Careers!

Top 5 Celebrities You WON’T BELIEVE Used to Have Marginally Successful Rap Careers!

There’s lots of celebrities. An awful lot. I don’t even know how many, and I know a lot of things. I know that the sun goes down, and I know that you shouldn’t put metal in the microwave. I’m a genius, really. Despite all these credits to my name, I still don’t know how many celebrities there are. There’s loads. We’re talking, like, at least five. Probably more than you could fit into a Vaxhaul Corsa.

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Fold the back seats down, and pack them like sardines, and you could fit perhaps seven celebrities into this drab-olive vehicular disaster.

But, of all the celebrities there are, living or dead, dead or undead, I bet you didn’t know that some of them also rapped. Maybe in previous lives, perhaps in years long since passed, the point is that some celebrities used to rap. But I’m not here to celebrate celebrities who can rap, I’m here to reveal to you the Top Five (and no more) of the celebrities that briefly enjoyed artistic and financial accomplishment in the cut-throat world of rap. We’re talking the ones that didn’t quite blow up, but we’re at least a bit successful. I’m sure you know exactly what I mean.

Anyway,

1 – DANNY DYER

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This cheeky East-London chappy is on Eastenders a bit too much, we all know that. We all know that he steals the spotlight time and time again with his wholeheartedly breathtaking acting skills, but not many people know that the intrepid Mr Dyer was also a sort of alright rapper once. His ‘reasonably-well-thought-out-but-nothing-special’ style of rapping earned him accolades such as a momentary flicker of recognition from  Kebab shop owner, and a thumbs up from his Grandmother.

“My name is Danny Dyer, and don’t you forget it.

My rapping isn’t great, but it certainly ain’t shit.

It’s relatively passable,

But certainly not assable,

If you think that aint a word, murder will be commit

-ed”

2 – ATLAS

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The Greek God Atlas is best known for his work holding the earth in place, and also for the controversial sexual harrassment court case of 165BC, in which he was formally charged. But before he was tasked with holding the earth aloft in a state of perpetual stasis, he was a member and co-founder of “Titanz on the Blok“, a modestly alright hiphip collective from the cold hard streets of downtown Athens. His verse for ‘Hades Rising’ is widely regarded as one of the most sort-of passable verses in rap history.

“In spite of what you heard

I will never shrug,

Don’t be so absurd

I’ll squash you like a bug.

I’ve got killer arms

‘cos I do so many curls,

I do a thousand push ups,

I hold up the fucking world”

 

3 – SCOOBY DOO

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“Gimme the scooby snacks

and you’ll keep your fucking life

Fail to hand them over, bitch

You’ll get the fucking knife.

I load my AK

and I start to blast

I got those cocaine crazies

and I’m killing so fast”

These somewhat acceptable bars came straight from the canine lips of the tenacious hound we all know as Scooby Doo. Prior to him adopting the persona of a cowardly Great Dane, this plucky four legged bugger went by the stage name of “MC MadDog” and rolled hard with DMX’s crew. The relationship between DMX and the children’s cartoon dog went sour, after an incident involving a leash, a rubber sex swing, and a fist full of small change. The precise details of the event are still unknown to the public.

4 – SIGMUND FREUD

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“I eat four bananas – you know I got four skins.

Put my sub in the wet – you know that it got fins.

You wanna go toe to toe – you know you’ll get shafted.

I’m so goddamn hard – you know I ain’t flaccid.

Here’s something you should suck – those lips you better pucker.

Someone tell Oedipus – I’m a bad motherfucker.”

The grandfather of modern psychology is no mere acquaintance with slight hiphop fame. In fact, he spent many a year being regarded as a genuinely adequate rap artist. His bars are known for their wry turn of phrase, smooth-flowing structure, and often overwhelming sexual imagery, and have previous been described as ‘okay’. The breakthrough psychology work conducted by Freud was actually only a fall-back option for dear Uncle Sigmund. In spite of all his achievements, Freud was never able to reconcile the fact that he never rose to full stardom as a rapper, instead only having a few tenuous tastes of it in his early career. His final words were: “The meagre satisfaction that man can extract from life is nothing in comparison to the joys of hip hop infamy, which I was never able to obtain, as I was almost talented enough but not quite, which has haunted me until my death, which is now, right now. Goodbye.”

 

5 – ANTON DU BEKE

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The ballroom dancer and television personality known as Anton Du Beke was not always known for his boyish sense of wonder or cheeky but assertive manner of speaking. He actually moonlighted as the masked ultra-violent rap artist ‘The Sevenoaks Slaughterer’. His lyrics were known for their graphic violent imagery and sickening descriptions of immoral and aggressive acts. He gathered a small cult following for himself on the Kent underground rap scene, before ultimately renouncing his violent ways and returning to the blissful elegance of ballroom dancing. Featured below are some of his best known as most violent bars, from his debut mixtape ‘Murder Murder and More Murder’.

“Back the fuck up nigga

Got my finger on the trigger

When I slice you with vigour

My dick will get bigger

I’ll kill you, bitch

and I’ll leave you in a ditch

Your body will twitch

Gotta scratch that murder itch

You are repugnant and you are hated

I can’t wait until you’re decapitated

I’m quite aggravated

In case I haven’t stated”

James Bosson is best known as the loudest member of Verbal Discharge. He spends most of his free time obsessively shouting at the News.

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