How to Write a Dissertation Quickly.

How to Write a Dissertation Quickly.

‘Go on!’ Your Dad says, ‘Kick the ball lad!’

‘I don’t want to,’ you complain ‘I just want to be a sandwich artist.’

‘Ridiculous you soppy tit, stop acting like a girl.’

‘Dad, I am a girl!’ You protest, kicking the ball in defiance.

‘If only I had a son.’ He rests his face on his hand and lets a single tear trickle down his sandpaper cheek.

Your Dad is easily disappointed.


Ever since you turned eleven your Dad has been trying to live his life vicariously through you. At twelve he thought you had a chance of getting in the Premier League.

At fourteen he was giving you advice on how to get the girls, which was alright because you liked girls. However, you didn’t really appreciate his pep-talks ending with ‘Give her one from me son.’

At sixteen, he forced you to take Maths, Physics and English for your A-levels. All you wanted to do was study Drama and Music.

At eighteen, he decided you should go to University to do a degree in something that most likely won’t be useful to you.

Oh… Yeah, the reason your mum hasn’t complained about his controlling nature is because she is dead.

Your Mum, according to your dad.

So here you are, in your final year at University. Two weeks away from final deadlines and you have one mess of a dissertation on your hands. You’re sitting at your desk, head in hands when your phone buzzes. The Super AMOLED LED screen lights up and reveals the message is from your Dad.

Things have been rough lately.


You begin to cry, procrastination has led you down a dark road. You want to run away with Calvin, your Boyfriend and stuffed unicorn, but know that your dad would find you and kill you if you didn’t finish the degree he wishes he’d have done.

You turn to google and type:

‘How to write a Dissertation quickly.’

And that’s when you find this page. How did I know you’d be here Amy?

Two words, future-telescope.

How to Write a Dissertation Quickly

  1. Cut open your carotid artery and bleed your soul onto the page… This might not be suitable for a degree that isn’t in fine art or poetry.
  2. Smear your faeces on the wall of your office/bedroom. Bear with me here… It makes for a great white/brown board, you can erase certain sections of poo to leave long lasting notes. You’ll get used to the smell.
  3. Leave it to the last night… because lets face it, you’re probably one of those people who can write something in six hours and get a First. Fuck you Amy!
  4. Drink so much coffee that your peer group starts to comment that you should probably cut down. Once you’re at that point you will be able to understand the universe and prove that Prof. Brian Cox is a massive fraud.
  5. Share useless articles on the internet consisting of the title Dissertation with six pictures underneath that state: What my friends think I do, What my mum thinks I do, What I actually do.
  6. Go to the secret area in your library and photo copy pictures of your buttocks to provide light relief from the stress of writing all that bumf.
  7. Change your sleeping pattern so you can have a successful day of writing and alienate yourself from your housemates, who’re only just getting up as you go to sleep.
  8. Waste your time reading articles such as this one.
  9. Pop pro-plus like its going out of style… whatever that means.
  10. Finally, hand in your labour of love/hate. It’s over, you did it. You are now a scholar, good luck finding a job.
As close to handsome as we get.

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