It is I, Efren Reyes! The Greatest Pool Player in the World!

It is I, Efren Reyes! The Greatest Pool Player in the World!


You thought you had seen the last of me, didn’t you? What a fool you were! No-one can ever truly be rid of me, Efren Reyes, the greatest pool player in the world! No matter how much you shake and run and flee and jump and dive and walk and swim and fly, you will never be free! I will follow you to the ends of the earth! Tell your physician! They call me The Magician!

Do not fear, lowly human, there is no need to be afraid. I come bringing you nought but good tidings. I, Efren Reyes, the greatest pool player in the world, have come to showcase to you my incredible talents. Behold, as I unveil to you my divine power!


Ha ha! You liked that didn’t you?! It was well worth watching all eight minutes wasn’t it?! It’s okay, stop shaking. There is no need to be afraid, I have only come here today to tell you of my particularly powerful pool prowess. I, Efren Reyes, the greatest pool player in the world, was raised on the cold hard streets of the Philippines. Every night I would go to sleep feeling unfulfilled and empty inside. My life had no purpose and no meaning, until I discovered pool! Oh what a joy it was, to watch the coloured balls dart to and fro across the fabric canvas of the table! They zig-zigged and rebounded and bounced and flew, it was a dizzying whirlwind of speed and colour, one which sucked in me in like a sultry enchantress!


I was hooked! I could not shake the thought of pool from my mind. Every morning I would wake up to smell the pool table. I would rub my nostrils up and down it’s length. I needed pool like a dog needs a bone, like a whore needs a corner, like a doctor needs a patient! Every day I would eat nothing but 8 balls! I would crush up half a cue ball, distil it into water, and pump it into my veins! I seasoned my body and my mind, so that I was more pool than man! I slept on a pool table every night, dreaming of pool greatness!

There was no one who could stop me, though many tried. My enemies were crushed before me, powerless to save themselves from my domination of the pool table! Soon, my fame spread, and the whole world knew the name of I, Efren Reyes, the greatest pool player in the world! From coast to coast, north to south, east to west, they knew me as The Magician! But alas, my reputation would be my greatest weakness. Soon my name was so revered and feared, that none would stand against me. I had no choice but to create a persona, Cesar Morales! I travelled the world as Cesar, lulling my opponents into a false sense of security before the game. ‘Oh, Cesar Morales, I have never heard of him‘ they would say ‘At least he is not Efren Reyes, the greatest pool player in the world, who I am afraid to compete against due to his vastly superior skillset

Then I would strike! I would trounce them thoroughly! There was no saving them from sheer destruction! Ha ha! I fooled them all! I am The Magician!

You think I will miss this? The joke is on you! I never miss!

And soon, my infamy had spread far and wide. I had beaten all opponents, and watched them run weeping back to their families as I desecrated their livelihoods! But it bothered not I, Efren Reyes, the greatest pool player of all time, as I was too busy preparing for my next conquest on the cut-throat green fabric! All had stood against me! All had fallen! There was, and is, no stopping me!

So now you know have heard my tale, and you know the story of how I, Efren Reyes, came to be widely regarded as the greatest pool player in the world! What do you think of my story? Is it a good one? Does it have a good narrative arc? Should I release it as an audiobook? Do you think there is a market for this kind of high-octane pool action? My wife says it is a bad idea, but even she cannot quell The Magician!

Of course there is a demand for this kind of material! There always has been and always will be! There will always be a public desire for more pool so long as there exists I, Efren Reyes, the greatest pool player in the world!



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James Bosson is best known as the loudest member of Verbal Discharge. He spends most of his free time obsessively shouting at the News.

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