Where Did These Red Circles Come From and What Do They Want From Us?: A Conspiracy Theory

Where Did These Red Circles Come From and What Do They Want From Us?: A Conspiracy Theory

.   As an avid conspiracy theorist with such studies to my name as, Seriously Guys, There Is An Atomically Armed Alien War Station On The Moon! and The Reasons You Didn’t Know Your Mother Was A Time Travelling Reptilian Sales Representative For TK Maxx, comes my newest investigation into something that is totally not nugatory in any single way:

   Where Did These Red Circles Come From and What Do They Want From Us? Is an in depth study into UAC’s (Unidentified Appearing Circles.) These curios can only been seen occasionally by the small percentage of ocularly gifted PC master-race fan-fucks who use the internet for purposes such as watching talented pranksters and vine compilations on Youtube.


john cena circle
Figure 1: John Cena’s Deltoid


For the purposes of making the red circles visible for you less visually gifted shmucks, I’ve drawn yellow circles around all the red circles in this investigation.

This was when I first encountered UACs. I’ll set the scene, I was in a Rockstar energy drink fuelled haze, playing League of Legends with one hand and furiously masturbating to pictures of John Cena’s swole physique with the other, when I noticed something wrong with Cena’s incredibly well sculpted shoulder-boulders. Around one of his meat-mountains radiated a thin circle of red light, a UAC. I asked myself, what could it possibly be doing there? But I hadn’t finished my session so I ascribed it to a trick of the light and carried on with more ‘important’ activities.

It wasn’t until I saw this next picture, that I was really concerned…


Sam Pepper Circles
Figure 2: The Rt Hon Sam Pepper

Upon watching my favourite misogynist, Sam Pepper, I noticed several red circles around triangles in and outside of the video. Instantly I made the connection that most people do when faced with mysteries and triangular logos… It must be the mathematicians.


Figure 3: Look at this evil mathematician, he has glasses to help him hunt and big muscles to help protect his secrets.

If you don’t believe me, go and meet a mathematician for yourself. All you will find behind those glasses are cold, dead eyes. You can usually spot a mathematician on the street because someone will try to steal his lunch money.

Experts say that the red circles were definitely created by someone in an effort to get revenge on bullies. In an effort to understand what use the UACs have, we brought an expert on theories that have a slightly more solid foundation than mine, (only slightly, though,) Professor Stephen Hawking.

We asked Stephen Hawking what these red circles were, and this was his answer.


Figure 4: A man with slightly more credentials than I

Stephen Hawking: ‘I don’t want to be here.’

It is obvious from this that this genius is hiding something from us, could it be possible that the red circles are bringing about an apocalypse on the western world? We pushed him for answers and got this reply.

Stephen Hawking: ‘What the? Has somebody cut the power to my wheelchair, it won’t move.’

Interviewer: ‘Don’t be silly Stephen, now tell us what we want to know.’

Stephen Hawking: ‘Please, somebody help me! I think someone has accidentally cut a wire to my life support.’

It doesn’t matter if I have a court case pending for manslaughter, listen to me. No seriously, mathematicians and ISIS have inserted these red circles into videos world-wide to draw the attention away from themselves.


isis problems.png
Figure 5: ISIS is hiding in plain sight.

You can see here  that the UAC technology has been utilized by ISIS to stop you noticing them on this random beach in Wales. For all intents and purposes, this is just a picture of a snickers bar. A photo editing expert was called in to show you what is actually in this picture without a UAC.


Figure 6: Oh Shit! It’s ISIS!

So there is conclusive proof that UAC’s are bringing about the downfall of the Western world as we know it. Be scared, be afraid, because you’ll never know where they will strike next.









As close to handsome as we get.

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