The Scorsese Boots List

The Scorsese Boots List

We’ve all been there. Most recently, I was there in February last year. I was sat on the Indigo Line bus from Nottingham to Derby at about eight-thirty at night when on walked Joe Pesci, panting and doing his best to conceal a gun under his seedy topcoat. I did not ask him at the time, but I think it is safe to assume that Pesci had just cooked some fools, and was now in a panicked state looking for a place to lie low and enjoy some dialogue about how his Catholicism may help him overcome his guilt. I didn’t need to ask him anything, though, I know exactly what happened: I was in a Martin Scorsese film again. This was why I normally took the train.

The worst thing about this scenario is that I was unable to visit Midlands-run pharmaceutical chain superstore Boots, as they unfortunately do not have branches on buses (Again, if I had known this was going to happen, I would have taken the train). I have, in my life, found myself in a Scorsese film on multiple occasions (Hence why I take the train and not a taxi). Usually, however, I have a local branch of Boots on hand to stock myself up for whatever scene it happens to be. In this case, I would have wanted strong acid and some liquid soap. The strong acid is obviously for helping Pesci dispose of the body, and the liquid soap is so he have any of those Lady Macbeth shenanigans and can easily and cleanly wash the blood right off his hands.

If you, however, find yourself in a Scorsese film, you might not be so clued up on which drug store items you should purchase, depending on what scene you find yourself in. This is not a fate any man deserves to find himself in, as not all of you will be so lucky as to get a hideaway scene. So, I present, the definitive list of items you should purchase on your own lengthy tracking shot through Boots…


  • A slow atmosphere-building scene. The best way to spot this is by keeping an eye out for a youthful-looking Robert de Niro in a leather jacket running his fingers through his hair. I have only encountered this scene once. I was in Greggs when de Niro walked in. I gave no further thought to the cheese and bean pasty waiting for me, rather crossing the street and purchasing shampoo and conditioner from Boots. It is incredibly important that your hair looks shiny in these scenes. Seeing as there is little else going on, prioritise your hair. It’s what Scorsese would do.
  • A sex scene. This is much the same as any fornication you may encounter. Contraception is recommended but not required, plasters may be a worthwhile purchase for friction burns and, of course, as any fool knows, if you’re going to have sex, you need Sex Juice. Boots stores offer a wide range of Sex Juices, varying in brand and colour. While my favourite Sex Juice is Green Jacool Sex Juice, I find in a Scorsese scenario, it is always better to go with white Sex Juice. That is not to say you cannot use your favourite type of Sex Juice, but it is worth taking Scorsese’s sexy colour palette into consideration.
  • When you inevitably get shot and have to patch yourself up, bandages, tweezers and pure alcohol are the real key items. These allow you to sterilise, operate on and cover the wound. However, it is also worth buying a flannel. Do not question me.
  • Should you find yourself faced by Leonardo DiCaprio in a hat, do not panic. Simply enter the closest Boots store and buy suncream. Regardless of the weather or location, Leo is clearly there acting as though he is a simple holidaymaker, but is in fact searching for a lady or a macguffin. While he may find the object of his desires after much searching of both land and sole, it will inevitably be at the expense of his skin. Be prepared to share the suncream with the five-time Oscar nominee, otherwise you will have a studio coming down on you pretty heavily. I’ve been there, and let me tell you, he Lionsgate is pretty heavy.
  • For a shower scene, buy shower gel.
  • If ever you find yourself entering into slow-motion or a freeze frame, you should purchase the relevant creams. Boots’ own-brand cream is recommended. Ask a member of staff if needs be, please do not be embarrassed. If, despite application of the creams, you begin to see blots resembling words such as ‘SCORE BY HOWARD SHORE’, you should visit a doctor ASAP.

Living in a Martin Scorsese film can be hard, but it is not impossible. If you have the correct shopping list and/or are a blonde lady dressed in white, you can make it out alive, or better yet, as a Hollywood superstar. It hasn’t happened for me yet, but it’s only a matter of time, I’m sure. Just, whatever you do, don’t go into Superdrug unless you are 100% it’s Michael Mann at the helm. Scorsese will have you killed in the next scene.

Nick Clegg apologist.

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