6 Surprising Facts You Might Not Know About Your Favourite Celebrities

6 Surprising Facts You Might Not Know About Your Favourite Celebrities

Celebrities exist. This much is known. Or is it? Is anything truly ‘known’? Regardless, here’s 6 things you might not know about your favourite celebrities.

SHAKIRA – EATS 20 SOULS EACH AND EVERY DAY

Shakira soul eater

Believe it or not, Columbian songstress and model Shakira is known to eat up to 20 human souls every day without fail.

It all started back when I was in my home town of Barranquilla‘ she said in a recent interview with Question? Magazine ‘We were always raised to believe in 3 things: the power of human love, the value of truthful hipbones, and that the consumption of human souls was a beautiful process that should absolutely never be taken for granted

Shakira has her own personal aide, who is paid to deliver jars of human souls whenever they are required. ‘Being a personal aide to renowned devourer of souls, Shakira is a tough job‘ said personal aide to renowned devourer of souls, Shakira, Lucy Hatton ‘I’m on call 25 hours a day, 8 days a week. When Shakira requires a soul to eat, you better believe I’ll be getting it to her ASAP

Shakira has declined to comment on the moral and ethical implications of mercilessly consuming an entire platoon of souls every single day.

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DANIEL CRAIG – INVENTOR OF PARALLEL LINES

daniel craig parallel lines

Daniel Craig is noted for many things. He is the current owner of James Bond’s face, he can consider himself a close personal friend of fellow Thespian extraordinaire Mark Strong, and is the confirmed inventor of parallel lines.

Those of you that were born long ago will remember a world of pure chaos, of polar-magnetised forces morphing every existing grain of matter in a ceaseless and senseless dance of cosmic proportions. Do you remember when nothing could exist in parallel lines? Do you? Do you remember all of reality in a ceaseless bending, twisting and curving itself to never allow anything to run in parallel? Because you bet I do.

But all that incomprehensible shifting stopped when Daniel Craig came along and twisted the laws of physics to his will, finally allowing parallel lines to be permitted by the rules of reality. Without Daniel Craig, there would be no order. There would be no reality. There would be nothing but chaos.

Daniel Craig is the Alpha and the Omega. Daniel Craig is the First and the Last. Daniel Craig is the Beginning and the End.

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ROMAN POLANSKI – PURVEYOR OF FINE MEATS

roman polanski meat purveyor

You may know Roman Polanski as being the Director of cinematic classics such as The Pianist, Chinatown, and Rosemary’s Baby, but did you know he is also a purveyor of fine meats? We’re willing to wager you didn’t.

When he isn’t directing masterpieces or being convicted for sex offence charges, Roman Polanski spends his time buying and selling pristine meats from around the world. ‘I don’t eat them of course‘ he said at a recent press event ‘I just like to own them, hold them, tell them I love them, lay with them at night. You know, standard meat stuff

Mr Polanski’s meat romancing was brought to light in July of last year, when he was sighted outside a Paris Hotel engaging a pack of sliced ham in a passionate mating ritual. ‘I don’t get what the big deal is‘ he said when speaking of the sighting ‘Some people are into guys, some people are into girls, I’m really into inserting top quality pork into whichever orifice I please. It’s really not that different

Polanski has also been noted for his devout following of meat polygamy practices.

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ANNE HATHAWAY – TOAD LICKING ADDICT

Anne Hathaway licking a toad

I just can’t stop, I really can’t‘ explained Anne Hathaway to the Doctors who came to take her away ‘I need to, you don’t know what it’s like. If I don’t lick my toads then I forget who I am

Anne Hathaway has recently been discovered to have a crippling addiction to licking toads. Tom Hardy, who starred alongside Ms Hathaway in 2012’s The Dark Knight Rises, has recently spoken about issues filming with the starlet. ‘It’s a nightmare trying to film with her. In between every fucking take she’d have to take 5 minutes to shroud herself in a cloak and start furiously licking a toad‘ he said of his experiences with the 32 year old actress. ‘I mean, I wouldn’t even mind that much if they were hallucinogenic toads, at least then its recreational. But she’s hooked on at least 2 packs of common amphibians a day, and isn’t getting shit from licking them. It’s a horrifyingly destructive sight to behold

Ms Hathaway has been known to frantically itch away at her skin when not provided with a toad to lick. She developed a deep cut on the side of her neck during the filming of 2012’s Les Miserables. It is said to have developed following a period of intense scratching when the crew of the film were unable to locate any toads in the surrounding countryside.

I NEED MY FUCKING TOADS. DON’T GET BETWEEN ME AND MY TOADS‘ she reportedly screamed at Director Tom Hopper.

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CHRIS ‘KNUCKLES’ NILAN – CELESTIAL GUARDIAN OF THE HORSEHEAD NEBULA

chris nilan gaurding the horsehead nebula

You may know of Chris Nilan as being a notoriously aggressive Ice-Hockey player, but you probably didn’t know that he is the eternal, undying saviour of the Horsehead Nebula.

When I touch my magic skate-shoes together and recite my scared vows, my likeness appears in an immeasurably vast form, half the galaxy away‘ he revealed in an in-depth interview on Tuesday. ‘As the last of the Steedborn, it is my righteous duty to protect the Horsehead Nebula from all who would seek to harm it

Mr Nilan claims to have been guarding the swirling space cloud of gas and dust for as long as he can remember, referring to his powers as both a gift and a curse. ‘When I won the Stanley Cup with the Montreal Canadiens back in ’86, I wanted to spend the evening celebrating with my teammates, instead I had to spend the night using my celestial avatar to battle the Fire Giants of Keshlavark and halt their invasion of the Orion constellation. It put such a downer on my week

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ANDY WARHOL – CUNT

Andy Warhol

Andy Warhol is a cunt.

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James Bosson is best known as the loudest member of Verbal Discharge. He spends most of his free time obsessively shouting at the News.

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