Listen Here, EU, I’ve Got Something To Say

Listen Here, EU, I’ve Got Something To Say

English Football Fan
It’s me, Mick Doncaster.

Alright, mate? How’s it going? How’s the wife and kids? Killed in a barn-fire? I’m sorry to hear that. Anyway, I can’t help but hear all this fuss about the EU. Its all over the place isn’t it? It’s on the tip of everyone’s tongue, like the Strictly final or a small piece of card you bought for a tenner from a bloke in colourful robes.

You all know me, I like football, drinking, kicking homeless people to death, and singing songs. I’m just a bloke, really. Now, I understand that there is a wealth of economic, social, political, cultural, and democratic benefits to Britain being a part of the EU. I also understand that almost every global expert who knows about this sort of thing have said that a Brexit would have disastrous consequences not just for us, but for the entire global economy. But, none of this changes the fact that I have something to say about all this EU referendum business.


I NEVER REALLY LIKED THE FRENCH

Regular Frenchman
Just look at this cheese-loving bastard.

I don’t like Garlic. As far as I’m concerned, they’re just the poor man’s onions. Only people with as poor a palate as the French would choose to eat it so willy-nilly. Look, I know what you’re thinking, but I’m not being xenophobic, or even racist. I can’t be because I have a French friend. His name is Pierre and all he does all day is smoke and eat fucking cheese. And he has a silly accent. And he surrenders a lot. I hate him really, but that’s beside the point.

The French are all just a bunch of fairies. Name one, just one French person who has ever been worth a damn. Oh, and they can’t be Voltaire, Sartre, Cousteau, Monnet, Dumas, Channel, Rodin, or either Lumière sibling. See, you can’t can you? I knew you couldn’t. It’s because they never did anything worthwhile. Sure, you could say that Napoleon achieved a lot, but he ran away from his invasion of Russia like a total pussy, after all.

Why would we ever want to be associated with the French? I could never bring myself to trust a country whose main export is a really specific type of pump, and not even the good kind you’d wear during a primary school PE lesson.


MY MATE NIGE SAYS IT’LL ALL BE FINE

BRITAIN-POLITICS-UKIP-EU
“Lend us a quid, matey, I fancy a pop on the fruit machines”

So there we were, me and my mate Nige, Nigelson, Nigey Wigey, Nige-The-Lad, Nigel Farage, sat down the pub drinking and smoking just like normal blokes because we’re normal just like normal blokes who drink and smoke just like we do because we’re normal blokes who drink and smoke. He turned to me, looked at me with his badly aged little peacock eyes, and said “It’s time for Britain to take back control of our borders, and not let those bureaucrats in Brussels tell us how to live!“. Me and all the normal blokes in the pub gave a jolly big cheer at that, and then we all went back to eating pork scratchings and not having any job prospects.

But Nige” I said to him “Could it not be said that even if we leave the EU, we’ll still be looking to trade with them, and in order to trade we’ll need open borders?“. He said nothing back to me. He just made a delirious half-blink that only a man who is afraid of coins could make. His face curled up as he tried to figure out what I was trying to say, and as both of his brain cells began to rub together, I sensed he was about to have a seizure. “Look, Nigey Wigey, if we leave the EU, we still won’t have control of our borders, and we’ll still have to follow the EU’s policies, but we’ll be powerless to change them“.

The look on his face changed, and he scoffed. “Sounds to me like you’ve listening to the BBC and their left-wing bias” he said as he took another big drag on his normal bloke cigarette and drank some of his normal bloke beer. “Just trust me, mate, it’ll all be fine. I look like the sort of person you can trust, don’t I?

Niges fucking face


BELGIAN BUNS ARE OVERRATED

Belgian Buns

Call me old fashioned, but when I go to the shop and get a pastry – I want a pastry. I want dough, kneaded into a delicious shape, or perhaps even folded and stuffed. I want it warm, I want it full of chicken or beef or sauce or something. Is that too much to ask? No, it isn’t. Belgian Buns are none of these things. They’re stuffed full of sultanas and topped with a cherry. I WANTED A PASTRY, NOT A FUCKING SALAD.

These days, when I go to the shop, do you know what I find? They don’t have booze, they don’t have fags, they don’t even have any England memorabilia or anything with St George’s cross on it. Admittedly, my nearest shop is a Belgian Bun Bakery, but that’s hardly got anything to do with it. All they’ve got is these plastic bloody salads masquerading as a pastry. These cherried pretenders are taking the jobs of good, hard working, British breaded snacks like sausage rolls and pasties.

And they’re made in Belgium. You can bet the bureaucrats in Brussels love stuffing their rich, European faces with these puppies. Back in 2010, when I was recovering from both England’s crushing 1-4 defeat against Germany and my crushing alcoholism, I was bed ridden for weeks. I was running a fever and having intense and profound visions that bordered on a religious experience. In the haze of that delirium, I saw Angela Merkel, stood atop a giant Belgian Bun, hurling her own feces into a crowd of British single mums. If that doesn’t say it, then I don’t know what will.


I’M SECRETLY A BIT RACIST

Britain First Logo
I just want Britain to be about British.

Let’s be honest, there are no surprises here.


So there you have it. I think I’ve explained myself and made things perfectly clear. I’m not a politician, with any big fancy words or slogans or clothes. I’m just Mick Doncaster. I’m just a regular bloke. A regular, French-hating, Farage-liking, salad-loathing, slightly racist bloke.

So when I vote in the EU referendum, I’m sure you know what side I’ll be voting for.

*   *   *

If you’ve been affected by the issues raised in this blog post, then you can find help and support by not being a fucking idiot, and not voting to Leave the EU.

James Bosson is best known as the loudest member of Verbal Discharge. He spends most of his free time obsessively shouting at the News.

4 Replies to “Listen Here, EU, I’ve Got Something To Say”

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