5 Reasons Why I Hate The Jeremy Kyle Show

5 Reasons Why I Hate The Jeremy Kyle Show

Since I passed my GCSEs around 2010, I had to deal with the horrors of the real world. The worst of these horrors, however, was the sudden exposure to daytime television. I’d previously caught fleeting glimpses of those pre-afternoon slots when I was off sick from school – and boy, are the puppets in educational kid’s shows fucking terrifying when viewed through the lens of fever hallucinations.

But what I began to see more of in this brave-new-world of Daytime TV was much worse than the kaleidoscopic visage of BBC Look and Read’s Wordy, or any other hallucination that my misspent late teens conjured up. What I saw was a hateful figure, hunched and screaming through a ghoulish masque at skeletal figures at least 29 classes below him. “Put something on the end of it!” bellowed the beestie. “This is my show!”

ITV1’s The Jeremy Kyle Show has now been on the air since 2005. That’s 10 years, and in that time nobody has actually been able to kill Grand Warlock Jeremy, who resides in the great Ivory Tower, protected by a pair of ogres that jump to his aid whenever a sharp look is fired his way. Previous attempts, such as envelope-shurikens tossed by brave chavninjas, have proven fruitless and have only demonstrated that Jeremy Kyle is in fact deathproof.

Where I originally set out to make this an in-depth scholarly essay, I feel that it will be much more suited as an easy-to-digest Buzzfeed type article, because I’m playing Shadow of Mordor while typing this and I really want to get back to slaughtering Orcs.

  1. Jeremy looks a bit like a goblin.

Seriously, what the fuck

  1. Jeremy doesn’t actually do anything

He screams at poor people like a Tory’s wet dream, while an actual counsellor appears at the end of the episode to sort the problem said poor people had. Why not cut out the middle man and shove J. Kyle back into his mother’s womb?

  1. Jeremy Kyle is two first names.

Just pick one mate.

  1. It’s watched by heartless sadists

I’m looking at you, Verbal Discharge listeners.

  1. Jeremy Kyle looks like an actual goblin

Holy shit he does now that I look

Does an OK David Bowie impression.

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