Grak Weighs In – Soulless Derby

Grak Weighs In – Soulless Derby

Grek
The face of Derby-based guest Discharge author, fashion icon and esteemed goblin president, Grak

Greetings, travellers, and welcome to Grak’s lair – please, pull up a rock and put your feet on the pile of rotting anuses Grak has amassed over the past seven seasons (during the Great Butt-Rending).

Grak doesn’t get much news and/or sunlight down in the subterranean underrealms below Derby but recently when checking  “The Derby Evening Goblingraph” on the onlines, it came to Grak’s attention that an ancient warlock baroness has declared the city ‘soulless’ – ha! Grak laughs, for the above-world is lousy with the souls of mortals howling in neverceasing neverceasing pain. But if the the old wheezing husk means ‘soul’ in the way of early jazz music (honestly one of Grak’s favourite genres), then please allow Grak to share with these travellers some of Grak’s favourite forgotten locales that ooze soul like slime from one of Grak’s pus-pores. As long as you don’t go there yourselves, or else Grak will stretch your pus-pores and make the sex on it.

 

  1. The Mongus Mines

Deep below the older Saxony village of honoured Chaddesden you will find the Mongus Mines, if you dig deep enough below the Heart of Darkness that is Chester Green. The Mongus Mines were once a great source of the Thalidomide Grubworm, until Grak’s great grandgoblin extincted them all back in the time of the Big Gay Moon. That was the period when the world’s fifth moon literally became a homosexual, but this was before Grak’s time.

  1. Pongros’ Hovel

Every other Sunday, Grak climbs threw a series of tunnels below the Eagle Market to visit Grak’s good friend Pongros. Pongros, Hork-bless his rotten heart, is an afflicted hoarder – and not a hoarder of useful things like Grak is when he collects anuses and boy-bones, but poor Pongros collects memorabilia from 80s cartoon shows. This particularly saddens Grak because Pongros is still unaware of the atrocious live-action remake of Jem and the Holograms and will probably kill himself when he watches it. Anyway, its worth visiting just to see his full set of He-Man variation figures, and Grak thinks the coffee Pogros makes is out-of-this-realm.

 

  1. Big Grundle’s

Grundle’s is a music venue under the floorboards at Sarry’s Takeaway. Grak thinks it’s a hilarious case of dramatic irony from Grak’s point of view that the nearby Seymour’s on the surfacelands boasts being “Derby’s Only Proper Music Venue”, yet Seymour’s has never has the likes of the Salgy Wongos grace its stage like Grak once saw Grundle’s have. Grak tried to get them to sign Grak’s back-welts but their ogre bouncer tore off both of Grak’s arms. Bah!

 

  1. Tiger Bar

Grak thinks this one goes without saying. Tiger Bar reminds Grak of the dingy air in his home-cavern, and it’s nice to see some fellow subterraneans out in the upperverse.

 

  1. Moonly Miniscule Parade

Grak had too much of a good time at MMP 2015 and ended up chewing the head off the Tiny Quempress after taking some sketchy pills. Naturally, Grak is now banned for life, but Grak can’t deny it’s a decent festival all the same.

Does an OK David Bowie impression.

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