Children’s TV Characters: Where Are They Now?

Children’s TV Characters: Where Are They Now?

We all remember our childish days of yore, don’t we? At least, in theory we do. I, for one, repressed a lot of mine. I fell off a rollercoaster, and my dog was molested by a drunken vicar, probably. I don’t really know, as I’ve repressed it all. Regardless, we all remember different things from our childhoods, such as running through fields with not a care in the world, eating yoghurt with our bare hands, and not giving a shit about our credit ratings. It was a simpler time, a happier time, a yoghurt-ier time. But one thing we all undoubtedly shared was our irrepressible love of children’s television.

Children’s television moved us, shaped us, and, in the case of certain children’s BBC presenters, quite literally touched us. We all remember our favourite children’s TV personalities, how could we not? From Captain Voodoo to the Strawberry Crusader, from the Smallest Trojan to Peter Phallusbreath (and his magic dog), even all the way from Miss Palestine to Detective Dragon, all of them burnt themselves permanently into our consciousnesses in one way or another.

But, I hear you ask, where are they now? What did they end up doing when the stage-lights had gone down and the cows had gone home to roost? Well fortunately for you, Verbal Discharge has done all of the digging so that you don’t have to. So dust off your nostalgia cap, and get ready for a trip down memory lane.

 *  *  *


BIG POPPA POPE

BIG POPPA POOOOOOOOOOPE
BIG POPPA POOOOOOOOOOPE

If you can’t remember the lyrics to the opening theme of The Big Poppa Pope Show, then you need to get the fuck out. What did you even do with your childhood? Because if you didn’t spend it watching the cheaply produced antics of this hit urban / religious icon, then frankly you wasted it. I’d say that your parents should be ashamed of you, but let’s face it, they already are.

Come along now, sing it with me for all those who don’t know how:

Ya’ll kids better be ready

and you better be steady,

if I wasn’t getting paid,

I woulda killed you already.

 

(Big Poppa Pope)

 

All the goddamn honies

be like Oh My God!

When they all be getting

The Big Poppa rod.

Prepare for some preachin’

Bring the Catholic squad.

‘Cos right now I be bringin’

The word of God!

 

(Big Poppa Pope)

 

My whole life is a sham

I’m on the end of my rope.

I can’t stand to be macho –

Nah that was just a joke!

You just got played, baby!

I’m Big Poppa Pope!

 

(Big Poppa Pope)

Current whereabouts: unknown.


THE SALTY SURPRISE

salty surprise with semen

After coming onto the scene in a furious, toe-curling spurt in the late 80’s, the Salty Surprise quickly rose to prominence as one of the UK’s most prestigious children’s entertainers. With his hit Saturday morning shows You Should Eat More Pineapple, and Sorry I Got Some In Your Eye!, it seemed like nothing could stop him.

That all changed in 1995, when most of his face was crushed in a freak motorcycle accident. ‘It all happened so fast. One minute I was standing there, minding my own salty business, the next minute I’m lying on the ground feeling hot rubber streak across my face’ he later recounted in an emotional TV interview, speaking out of what is left of his now truly hideous, almost 2-dimensional mouth.


THE FOUR-STOREY FORGER

Four Storey Forger

Of all the children’s TV characters to come out of the 90’s, few are as memorable as the Four-Storey Forger, a freakishly massive Goliath of a man who specialised in forging false identities for criminals, illegal immigrants, and 15 year olds who didn’t have older siblings they could ask to buy booze for them. His work spanned several short-lived shows, and are fondly remembered as: ‘a morally bankrupt void in which young children were thoughtlessly and prematurely forced to confront the terrifying realities of the world in which they live’, as well as: ‘pretty funny lol’.

After the seventh consecutive cancelling of one of his shows, he briefly tried his hand as a mechanic, before being forced to accept that his hands were simply too big for the intricate craftsmanship that mechanical engineering often requires. Feeling disillusioned with his size in a world of comparatively tiny problems, the Four-Storey Forger renounced the modern world, and gave away most of his earthly possessions. He now resides in the mountains of Tibet, living out his days in quiet reflective peace with his goat, Bessie.

He declined to comment on whether or not he has sex with it.


THE MONDAY MANAGER

Monday Manager

Killed himself.

On a Wednesday.


DETECTIVE DRAGON

Detective dragon

Almost anyone who was raised in the 80’s will remember the madcap hijinks of Detective Dragon, who always got *this* close to solving the big case, but would always sneeze right at the end of every episode and accidentally engulf all of the evidence / the courthouse / a key witness in mesmerising flames. Detective Dragon enjoyed a long, illustrious run on a prime-time slot, until the detective was finally killed by Saint George in the very last episode of season 9.

Since then, Detective Dragon underwent an immensely messy divorce with his wife, who sued him for everything he had after he accidentally burnt down their house with her still trapped inside. He now lives in a ramshackle caravan in Anglesey. He doesn’t have the money to go out or have hobbies, so he spends most of his time watching daytime TV. His standard diet of ready meals and warm crisps have done little to halt the steady tide of time. He is now considered morbidly obese, and his Doctor fears they will soon have to take his foot. Each summer, families flock to Anglesey, and he hopes for a friend with which to share the story of his life. Each summer, he is disappointed. Nobody wants to hear the stories of a crazy old dragon in a car park, especially not holiday makers. Each night he closes his eyes and dreams of a better time, a time when he used to be somebody. He dreams of a time that, deep down, he knows will never return. With each passing day, he grows another step closer to finally ending it all.


 

James Bosson is best known as the loudest member of Verbal Discharge. He spends most of his free time obsessively shouting at the News.

2 Replies to “Children’s TV Characters: Where Are They Now?”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *