The shocking TRUE Jeremy Corbyn stories Britain’s Left-Wing bias media WON’T print!

The shocking TRUE Jeremy Corbyn stories Britain’s Left-Wing bias media WON’T print!

Jeremy Corbyn, the aging communist best known for shooting Harambe the gorilla, has the British media in the palm of his hand. Ever since he first crawled out of his Stalin nappies and into a hideous home-knitted jumper, Corbyn has known how to manipulate the press better than anyone else. This has seen him, despite being overwhelmingly hated by literally everyone, win one Labour leadership contest already, and self-generate media spin so strong, most people don’t even know he’s a lizard.

However, this isn’t the only thing people don’t know about Jeremy Corbyn. In fact, the man dubbed so accurately a “Nazi stormtrooper (…) with no moral compass” by the Daily Mail (People often forget that, like Corbyn, neither Hitler and Darth Vader voted in favour of war in Iraq or air strikes in Syria) has such a strong hold over Britain’s bias left-wing media that the papers just ignore most of the awful things about him. Well, Verbal Discharge has come to reset the balance. It’s time to unveil the five most shocking TRUE Jeremy Corbyn stories the media WON’T tell you…

1). Corbyn refuses to acknowledge he founded a sex cult in 1978

Despite being accountable to the taxpayer and his consistency since 1983, Jeremy Corbyn has yet to answer a single question from the media about his long-running sex cult, The Corbabes. Started in 1978 when he was 29 years old, once a week Corbyn meets up with six randomly-chosen red-blooded women from his 420-strong Corbabe sex cult roster at a public park in Corbyn’s local consistency of Islington Green. The youngest Corbabe in attendance that week always begins proceedings with what is known as the Removal of the Ceremonial Jumper, before the other Corbabes are allowed to slowly move their way down the gorgeous flesh picket line. Their lips work their way inwards from the beautiful shoulders that carry the weight of so many grassroutes Labour voters, revealing delicious layers of sumptuously wrinkled ‘Dennis’ Skin-ner, as they work towards the weapon of mass destruction in his pants. They unzip, de-privatising his most glorious public resource. And just as the Corbabes work themselves into a lather, Corbyn votes against using his Trident Missile and ends the whole shebang.

This weekly marital digression lead to the divorce between Corbyn and his first wife, Jane Chapman, in 1979. His current wife, Laura Alvarez, is herself a former Corbabe.

 

2). Corbyn Pooped on a Train Floor

Virgin Trains recently blew open the conspiracy surrounding Jeremy Corbyn’s supposed-refusal to spend taxpayer money on a first-class train ticket by releasing CCTV footage of the man, who probably still listens to LostProphets, walking past empty seats. Never mind that they waited until the first day of the Labour leadership election to release this footage, the truly shocking part of this news is what the left-wing bias BBC cut out. Despite not giving the original story major coverage, the BBC decided to showcase Virgin Trains’ footage online and on their TV bulletins. This was all so they could cut around the moment where Corbyn does a massive shit on the floor of the train and then starts laughing because that’s the kind of thing he finds funny, the sick aging bastard.

 

3). Corbyn cheered when Thiam beat Jessica Ennis to Gold

The entire nation woke bleary-eyed last Sunday after staying up ‘till 2:30AM to watch Jessica Ennis-Hill attempt to recreate her London gold medal heroics. But one man woke up bushy-tailed as well, and that man was Jeremy Corbyn, who also refuses to acknowledge both Earth Hour and Shark Week. At first believed to be an avid fan of Ennis-Hill’s Belgian rival Nafissatou Thiam, it later transpired that Corbyn simply wanted to watch the woman we all call ‘Jess’ but he refers to coldly as ‘Ennis-Hill’ lose. When Our Golden Girl became only Our Silver Girl, Corbyn, who thinks they should also remake Shawshank with an all-female cast, cheered with a vigour, pitch and volume that woke every dog in the whole country, even your nan’s. He then reportedly mumbled in mild disappointment to himself, relalising that it would have been even better if she’d missed out on the medals all together, or better yet, got seriously injured and forced to retire.

Corbyn is also against Verbal Discharge’s on-going quest to have Ennis-Hill say the word ‘Dickbeast’, and would rather the word is taken into public ownership, not said exclusively by one lovely sporty shiny lady.

 

4). Corbyn Ate a Man

After an unreported pro-Corbyn rally in Milton Keynes, attended by several thousand people, Jeremy Corbyn reported ate a man. He visited an establishment called Marshall’s American-Style More Than You Can Eat Milton Keynes Grillhouse (Or MASMTYCEMKG, pronounced ‘Masmtykemkeg’), well known for doing big-eating challenges like off the telly. Anyone who can eat one of their signature four-foot barbecue steak and eight-hundred chip meal deals in less than six minutes gets their food for free. Corbyn decided he should try to avoid spending taxpayer’s money (Showing a blatant disregard for what it means to be a politician) on his meals, and undertook the challenge. Not only did he eat the meal in one gulp, he also ate the waiter. The employee in question was Mr John Newman, himself a transgender Corbabe and loyal Stormtrooper. His sister, Johnette, reported said his brother was “honoured” to be eaten alive by his bearded messiah. Verbal Discharge sources tell us that Corbyn, who’s favourite porn videos all include the line “You’re only my step-father”, enjoyed the taste of human flesh, and “would eat it again”.

An eyewitness, sat at a nearby table, was quoted as saying, “Huh”.

 

5). Corbyn is not only rude, but he also considers Taken 3 his favourite film

Last week, a handsome, intrepid journalist asked a question.

“Jeremy Corbyn”, I said “What is your favourite film?” He did not reply. “Is it Taken 3?” I had to narrow the enquiry for the sake of journalism. He still did not reply, but I would take this to mean ‘Yes’.

For years, Corbyn has been saying his favourite film is Cassablanca, probably to try and seem cultured. When, in fact, his favourite film is Taken 3, a film so bad even our hideously left-wing media decided to temporarily stop supporting the arts and recommend you avoid it. And yet Jeremy Corbyn, a man whose first words upon hearing Jonah Lomu had died at age 40 were “Finally, the left wing belongs only to me”, loves it. He also did not answer any of my questions, which was rude. It doesn’t matter that he was hundreds of miles away with no direct line of communication when I asked the question, he still should have said something.

 

6). Corbyn left his kids in a pub because he was too busy fucking a pig

Probably. Politicians are all the same, aren’t they?

 


If you want to hear the Verbal Discharge team recount their experience of standing ten yards away from Jeremy Corbyn, you can click here to listen to this week’s podcast.

Nick Clegg apologist.

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