Recipes to win The Great Goblin Bake-Off – Grak Weighs In

Recipes to win The Great Goblin Bake-Off – Grak Weighs In

The face of baking fanatic, Olympian and Discharge guest columnist, the esteemed goblin president Grak

Grak Weighs In #2: The Bake-Off

Welcome, friendly creatures! Come on in, don’t bother wiping your feet. My oh my, your skin is looking downright sandpaper-ish today! Let Grak serve you some of his delicious slog-cake. Oh, that’s right – Grak has been on a baking kick lately. Ever since The Great Goblin Bake-Off was moved to Channel 4, Grak has been re-watching the other series and actually listening to the recipes and just looking at Mary Berry’s sexual gizzard. In fact, Grak has a few recipes of his mother’s that Grak’d found in a puddle of slime under Grak’s left-cleft. Let Grak just blow the dust off this musty old tome and get baking!

 1) Hair Bun


  • Unsuspecting woman with hair
  • Big knife

This one’s easy, just find a lady who has her hair done her hair all up in a bun and hack it off ‘til she’s bald. Then you just eat the hair, but if you want you can put all kinds of jams and jellies on the bun before you put it inside your terrible maw. Truthfully, Grak might have gotten two types of buns confused, but man-tongue is tricksy.


2) Rat Cake


  • Rats
  • Sainsbury’s Pre-Made Cake
  • Batteries
  • Yeast (big yeast though)


Take a big fistful of rats and shove it deep inside your Sainsbury’s Pre-Made Cake. The batteries and yeast is the important bit, though – you have to really mash up the batteries up and have the yeast breathe in the acid. The yeast that grows in Grak’s cave is semi-alive and sometimes tries to suffocate Grak in Grak’s sleep, so if you can get that sort of yeast then it’d work a lot better. Then you put the talking battery-powered yeast on the rats and voilá!


3) Bag of Flour


  • Flowers
  • Burlap sack
  • A man


Smash the flowers on a big block until its literally just mush. Then put your sack over a man’s head and push him into the crushed flowers. When his bare belly is covered in naught but floral mush, put him in the oven. Then, go to the shop and buy some cakes.


4) A dog


  • A dog


Just get a dog, either buy it or steal it. The Polish word for dog is pies so it’s basically baking, Grak thinks.


5) The Big Surprise


  • Bucket
  • Shit


Just shit in a bucket and serve.

Does an OK David Bowie impression.

One Reply to “Recipes to win The Great Goblin Bake-Off – Grak Weighs In”

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *