10 IMPORTANT LIFE LESSONS I LEARNT FROM THROWING MY FAECES AT A SCHOOL BUS

10 IMPORTANT LIFE LESSONS I LEARNT FROM THROWING MY FAECES AT A SCHOOL BUS

I’m sure many of you have seen on the news that I was in a spot of bother last week. I was pushed down in the street like a dog and made to undergo the needlessly long and frankly arduous process of being forcibly arrested. Why? I’ll tell you why. Because I, as a free citizen of the world, decided to exercise my rights and enjoy my freedom. Is that really so wrong? Yes, admittedly I was naked at the time. Yes, I was scooping fresh steaming shit out of my anus. And yes, I’m not ashamed to admit that I hurled said shit at a totally packed schoolbus.  You don’t need to be a genius to imagine the effect this action has had on me – both in terms of the actual event itself, and the ensuing legal proceedings.

All I’m trying to say is this: I had a genuine experience. I learnt a lot from it, and I feel that as a direct result I have grown considerably as a person. In retrospect, I don’t know if I ever felt truly alive before committing my act of Olympic standard shit-putting. It’s like night and day, really. It’s something that all of us should get to live through. Personally, I think you should stop reading right now and find some nearby school bus routes, but I respect that not everyone has these desires. In case you choose not to (though you absolutely, definitely should), here are 10 life lessons you are missing out on:

1) PEOPLE DON’T LIKE IT WHEN YOU THROW HUMAN SHIT AT A SCHOOL BUS

It might sound obvious, but I don’t think I could have prepared for quite how strong a reaction I received. I expected some tutting, perhaps even a frown or two, but I certainly did not expect to be arrested and featured on the front of numerous local and national newspapers. You should always be prepared for unexpected circumstances.


2) SCHOOL CHILDREN DON’T LIKE IT WHEN YOU HURL SHIT AT THEIR SCHOOL BUS

What do they even have to complain about? What do they know? Nothing. Back in my day, you could merrily plod down the street, casting shit like stray pebbles wherever your heart desired. Not anymore though. Kids these days don’t throw shit. They stay inside and play Minecraft and don’t know how to live. Children are all complete fuckwits.


3) THE PTA WILL INCITE NUMEROUS DISCUSSIONS ABOUT THAT TIME YOU HURLED SHIT AT THAT SCHOOL BUS FULL OF KIDS

C’mon guys, it was just some shit. We all make it, don’t we? You just choose to do it into a toilet and cleanly flush it away, whereas I like to knead the poop into my hands like fresh pastry and splat it on the side of moving vehicles. We’ve just got different opinions. Are you saying I can’t have mine? I suspect you are, you fascist.


4) THROW IT OVERARM, NOT UNDERARM

Yes, an underarm toss will allow you to control the aim of your shit a lot more, but an overarm throw will let you get considerably more power into your throwing arm. Hurling shit isn’t about precision, it’s about total shock and awe.  Think of it like this: You are Tony Blair. Your newborn turd is the British military. The school bus is the 50,000 Iraqis Blair killed in an immoral and totally illegal conflict. Anyway, you should aim for maximum devastation, not precision.


 5) REMEMBER TO EAT SOLIDS ON THE LEAD UP TO THROWING SHIT AT A SCHOOL BUS

I normally live exclusively on a diet of soup and coffee, and it’s never done me wrong. This was until the first time I tried to throw shit at a school bus. It was a complete disaster. Obviously when you eat a purely liquid diet your faeces comes closer to resembling spray-paint than it does nuggets of sweet poo. This makes it very hard to grasp, as it just slides between your fingers like brown sludge. Plus if it’s a wet day outside it’ll just wash away, and all these moments will be lost in time like pure liquid scat in the rain.


6) PICK A GOOD CRAP TOSSING SOUNDTRACK

This one is largely down to personal preference, so there is little I can say, but obviously you should ensure that you’ve prepared a good musical accompaniment to your butt-fudge tossing. Personally, I like to put my headphones in, hit play, take a squat, loosen the aperture of my cavity, and start hurling as soon as the chorus hits on Can’t Fight This Feeling by REO Speedwagon. When I’ve got those soothing 80’s harmonies in my ears, it makes everything feel just right. Especially for throwing human shit around, which is what this article is all about.


7) TRYING TO SHIT ON THE ARRESTING OFFICER IS HILARIOUS

Close your eyes. Do it now. Keep reading though. There he is, PC Brady, just having a very strange day at work, arresting a naked man who has spent the past six and a half minutes pelting excrement at traffic. Now, imagine him reading you your rights as he takes you into custody. Imagine how seriously he is taking the situation. Imagine the furrows on his brow and the dulled fury in his vocal tones. Now, imagine how high-pitched those tones get when you whip around and start trying to fire steamy deuces on his freshly pressed uniform. Classic comedy.


8) BUT HE WILL NOT FEEL THE SAME WAY

Fucking PC Brady. What does he know about comedy? He doesn’t know a damn thing. He wouldn’t know a joke if it hit him square on the cheeks, which ironically is pretty much exactly what I was trying to do with my arse chutney. You remember that stern expression you imagined before? Now picture it morphing into a look of sheer disgust. His once stern words turn yet sterner, as he slams you down onto the bonnet of his Police cruiser. The main lesson to learn from this is that PC Brady is a humourless cuck.


9) TRIM YOUR GODDAMN FINGERNAILS

This one should be fairly obvious, but if your mitts and fingers and grabby bits are going to be rooting through your anus, you want to minimise the potential damage you can inflict to your chocolate starfish. Safety first, kids.


10) YOU WILL DEFINITELY QUESTION WHAT YOU DECIDED TO DO WHEN YOURE SPENDING A NIGHT IN A COLD AND DARK POLICE HOLDING CELL

We all doubt ourselves from time to time. It’s only perfectly human to take a step back from what we’re doing and think: ‘Is this right? Is this really what I want to be devoting my time to?’ With objectivity, comes perspective. There are countless philosophers throughout history who claim that maintaining consistent, healthy scepticism is the only way to find genuine truth. This sort of thinking will find you, and you in turn find it, when you are lying stark naked on cold concrete and told you can’t leave until you’ve been ‘evaluated’. When this moment of doubt strikes you, just remember these wise, wise words: ‘THROW MORE SHIT. THROW MORE THE SECOND YOU’RE FREE AND ALSO BEFORE IF YOU CAN. NEVER STOP THROWING SHIT. THIS IS WHO YOU ARE NOW. GRAB A FISTFUL AND START BLASTING THOSE ASS PASTIES’

James Bosson is best known as the loudest member of Verbal Discharge. He spends most of his free time obsessively shouting at the News.

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