Eight Times Someone Definitely Said Something, Someplace, Sometime

Eight Times Someone Definitely Said Something, Someplace, Sometime

I’ve spent four years, two degrees, and over £50,000 broadening my horizons at University. What I learnt was this, somebody, somewhere, said something and that is somewhat important for some reason

So here is the definitive list of some things people have said, with some citations, in some sort of a list.


1.    Erm… I don’t want to be rude, but these chips aren’t cooked enough (Rogers, 2013).
Henry Rogers’ infamous comment will go down in the history books as the most weak willed, lily-livered, yellow-bellied attempt that ever led to absolutely nothing changing at his local fish & chip shop. This could imply that Fish&Chips Direct simply do. Not. Give. A. Fuck. Especially about customer service.

2.    I’m quite a nice guy, when you get to know me. (Hitler, 1939).
A. Hitler’s statement on his nicety has been shirked by academics across the globe. But he said it, and I can cite it, which means it must be true.

3.    The world is flat, and as you know, anything flat is the opposite of tremendous, especially tits. (Trump, 2016).
In this extract, Donald Trump introduces the idea that worth is measured by quantity of breast tissue. This could suggest that he is unfit for service in the Debenhams bra fitting service where varied amounts of breast tissue are treated with equal reverence. Alternatively, this theory could imply that Trump will be a fantastic president, since he is one fleshy mound of breast tissue, therefore titillating the senses of the American public and securing their loyalty in the wars to come.

4. Cauliflower is just Caucasian broccoli, right? (Roccoli, 1979).

Brian Roccoli, desperate to fit in with his Caulifornian friends, further distanced himself from their group when he uttered the above statement. After all, there is more to a vegetable than the wavelength of colour from which they absorb visible light. This theory is further reinforced by Professor Cabbage, who purports to be several colours. People often slate Prof. Cabbage for appropriating other vegetables cultures, but they wouldn’t understand.

5. How much wood, could a wood chuck, chuck (Norris, 1646).

Someone who has memorised an entire tongue twister such as this one is probably a sad, sad bastard. You should probably stay away from them before you catch the sad bastard gene and pass it on to your already genetically deficient children.

6. You know what would make a really good episode of Community? An episode based entirely in Auschwitz (Chase 2014).

Chevy Chase is renowned for having incredibly good ideas, and not having the slightest thing bad to say when it comes to Jewish people, black people, or those who identify sexually as anything other than straight.

7. Oh fuck! (Reynolds, 1992).

 Officially uttered by the mother of the most handsome man in Telford on the date of his birth. This utterance could indicate several things, it could be taken as surprise at the explicit, raw, handsomeness of the recently formed bundle of cells ejected at supersonic speed from the womb of the Destroyer-mother.

8. Come to the Maypole in Derby on the 15th of December for the best time you could possibly ever have (Bosson, Knight, Owen, & Reynolds 2016).

 Academics have hailed this event as the most important date in comedy history. A child who shall define lives and generations is to be born, and a show that is very good shall be done in the same room. Don’t miss out, if you’re around on the 15th, buy a ticket and feel safe in the knowledge that you were there at the birth of Christmas.

As close to handsome as we get.

2 Replies to “Eight Times Someone Definitely Said Something, Someplace, Sometime”

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