Verbal Discharge’s Obscure Christmas Facts, The Beginning

Verbal Discharge’s Obscure Christmas Facts, The Beginning

Christmas has been everywhere, on the television, on the radio, and on the high-street. But it wasn’t until the John Lewis advert that the true capitalist inside of us all rolled over like an overweight boxer dog, bounced on the big ole Christmas trampoline of pre-Noël excitement, and cried out in pure festive joy. Even the Verbal Discharge lot are getting in the Christmas spirit. But what is it – exactly – that makes Christmas what it is?

Well, it’s not about family, family sucks. Lets face it, every time your Uncle Jeff gives you another box of tampons, laughs, and calls you a ‘big Jessie’ you die a little bit inside. No, it’s not about family, it’s about your love for obscure facts that are probably true that I definitely didn’t just google right now in order to make a semi-interesting article. It’s also about your love for us – Verbal Discharge – the comedy quartet that just keeps on giving.

So here are some obscure Christmas facts to get you in the merry mood.

 

Three firsts, first fact, first day of December, first female member of the British Parliament

On this day, 1st December 1919, Lady Nancy Astor was sworn in as the first female member of the British Parliament. She took the seat from her husband, who probably resented her for it, to serve as a member of the Conservative party.

But alas, this isn’t funny, so prepare for a derogatory joke about her being a female. Oh, What was that? Yeah, she probably did make a lot of good cups of tea. No, not acceptable? How about… Oh, yeah lad, she did press all of their suits and ties!

You laugh, or don’t laugh (depending on your disposition), but she did probably face these kind of juvenile jokes, because parliament is full of performing chimpanzees with a joint IQ level of Kurt Cobain’s collected brains being squeezed into Hulk Hogan’s pulsating sphincter.

 

Good old Lady Astor, pointing and laughing at a homeless person sleeping on the steps of Parliament, just like any good Conservative would.

The Polish Spider-Claus

In Poland, spiders or spider webs are common Christmas trees decorations because according to legend, a spider wove a blanket for Baby Jesus. In fact, Polish people consider spiders to be symbols of goodness and prosperity at Christmas…

All these facts, and more, will be of little interest to us Brits from this Christmas onwards thanks to our isolationist stance on other cultures. That being said, I’m in favour of calling the festive holiday Britmas or even Givemepresentsmas. I’m not bitter. Honestly!

 

Kiss under my poopy-toe

You know the tradition, that lecherous person breaks out the mistletoe, dangles it between themselves and their smooching target, and tries to plant a big old wet kiss on their lips.

Next time someone tries this move on you, break out this floater of a fact: Mistletoe originates from the Anglo-Saxon word misteltan, which means “little dung twig” because the plant spreads though bird droppings.

I bet you they’ll probably still try to kiss you, but at least there will be a discomfort deep in their head that says ‘you’re trying to kiss someone underneath bird shit.’

 

Lego, Lego, we are bigger than Michelin

Lego. No, Lego is not a contraction of the chorus of that god-damned awful Disney film that we’ll all have to suffer through this winter. You know, something about ice? Freezen? Ice-girl? Frozed? I don’t remember. But I digress, Lego is that wonderful thing that children literally spend – on average – five-billion collective hours playing with every year (it’s true, google it.) It is a Christmas miracle in itself, I don’t know anyone who hasn’t, at some point, owned at least one Lego brick.

But, did you know that in 2010 Lego was the biggest producer of tyres in the world. They created more than three-hundred-and-eighty-one-billion tyres for me, and children I guess, to play with that year. They wouldn’t fit on your Ranger Rover, but Range Rovers are for twats anyway.

 

Hey, did you write The Night Before Christmas? ‘Nah fam, that ain’t me.’

Twas the poem before Christmas/ when all through the university/ Clement Clarke Moore is denying he wrote it whilst facing adversity. Yep, you probably guessed where this one is going. Clement Clarke Moore, the writer and Classic Professor who wrote The Night Before Christmas actually denied writing it. He was, apparently, of the belief that the verse was beneath him and therefore didn’t actively try to publish it. In the end, his friend sent it to the Sentinel newspaper, where it was anonymously published.

Then, for fifteen years after it became a massive hit, Moore continued to deny it.

What a thankless bastard, I’d give a selection of appendages to be that well read.

 

St. Nick is a dapper enough gentleman to top the Forbes wealth chart

Yeah, you heard that right kiddo, Santa has an actual net worth as documented by Forbes. With a net worth of infinity, Santa beats modern day rich man superstar Bill Gates.

With all that income, you start to see Christmas for what it is. A fleeting, sugar-coated moment of placation. With infinity pounds, Father Christmas could quite literally solve every single financial problem in the world. Instead, he’d rather spend it all on elf slave labour and getting morbidly obese.

Ok you got me, it’s the Forbes Fictional Fifteen. But what do you want me to do? I’ve got to do another three of these articles to polish off on the approach to the big day.

 

Let me take you back to December the 7th 1926, for our last, and perhaps most, obscure fact of the first seven days of December.

Picture the scene, inside the house the fire is roaring. Outside, wind-blown curlicues of rime shroud the window in an icy vignette. Pa, in his period appropriate dress is frustrated at the pantry because his favourite period appropriate food has gone off… again.

Ma, haggard after birthing her ninth child, comes around the corner in her period appropriate camisole and attempts to comfort your Pa. Your Pa raises his hand, as if to strike her. When suddenly, he has an idea. He rushes to the window, pulls open the sash, throws open the shutters and shouts ‘I’ve had a great idea to patent a gas refrigerator to keep my period appropriate food in better condition!’

Yes, that is right, December the 7th 1926 was the first time a gas refrigerator was ever patented.

 

That’s it for this week, if you enjoyed these facts, then please look out for the follow-up article next week, Thursday the 8th of December, in which many more Christmas mysteries while be resolved. There’ll also, of course, be more Dischargey adventy goodness tomorrow, as our Advent Calender ticks on…

 

 

 

 

As close to handsome as we get.

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