Top 10 Tips for Freshers!!

Top 10 Tips for Freshers!!

Yes, YOU could live in Fresher Bliss like these people I found on Google Images!
Yes, YOU could live in Fresher Bliss like these people I found on Google Images!

The long summer has but recently knocked itself on the head, like a policeman with a baton in a comedy crime caper, unconscious for seemingly a year. You sit, nervously, panicking about the times ahead. ‘Boy,’ you say to yourself with a wistful sigh ‘University!’. But you shouldn’t panic, because university is not scary, and it’s not tough. Or rather, university doesn’t have to be scary, and it doesn’t have to be tough. It only has to be what you make of it!

And don’t worry, because Top Campus Helper Men Verbal Discharge have all the answers for YOU on how to survive your first few weeks at university! Chances are, you’ve already started! And that’s OK! Just blame the one-a-week scheduling of this blog! But remember, Fresher’s Week is for life, not just for Fresher’s Week!

Without any further ado, hit the jump and read our VERBAL DISCHARGE TOP 10 TIPS FOR FRESHERS!

1. Say Hello!

Don’t be shy! In fact, if anything, go the whole hog! Be friendly and engage with strangers as you would yourself! Put their bread in the toaster! Comb their hair! Tie their shoelaces! Listen to Canadian girl bands for them whilst waiting for the bus! Do an entire day’s work for them! Collect their paycheck! Take their girlfriend out to dinner! Decide you don’t like their girlfriend and dump them on the spot! Sleep in their bed! And in hind’s sight, don’t say hello, only weirdos say hello to themselves in public, and you don’t want to be weird.

2. Don’t be weird

Unless it’s the kind of weird that just means you like The Lion King, Doctor Who and Thor: The Dark World. In which case, do that. That’ll make you more popular than actually being popular.

3. Always bring sand.

You don’t want to be the one person with no sand on sand day.

4. Get a job

Otherwise the whole thing’s useless, isn’t it? There should not be a single minute in which you’re not working, in the hope your life spirals into a hellish nightmare filled with grey ties and greedy children until it all becomes so crushingly monotonous Jason Mohammed mispronouncing ‘Aguero’ on Final Score is the highlight of your week and an anecdote you tell regularly.

4. Cheese

At university, cheese is a commodity bordering on currency. Gorgonzola is the most precious, but mature cheddar is an increasingly lucrative property on the cheese stock exchange.

6. Logan Lerman
Cool guy.

7. Don’t cook for your flat mates

Either you’re terrible and they’ll hate you, or you’re brilliant and they’ll expect you to cook for them every night. Ugh, drag alert!

8. Start listening to Canadian girl groups

Normally when asked this question I’d recommend Operator Please, but I just found out they’re actually Australian and I suddenly don’t like them anymore.

9. Have really basic opinions

Equality for women, queers and your ethnic minority is, broadly speaking, good. So spend three years campaigning heavily on Facebook because you want to come across as interesting and opinionated but don’t understand anything more complicated than your own immediate struggles.

10. Have fun!!

Unless you don’t want to. Personally, I’m more into artificial melancholy, so it’s up to you.

Nick Clegg apologist.

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