Verbal Discharge’s Obscure Christmas Facts, Part Two

Verbal Discharge’s Obscure Christmas Facts, Part Two

If you haven’t seen part one, check it out! God forbid you miss any of these earth-shattering facts.


The air grows lighter, the mood grows lighter, your money receptacle grows lighter. Oh… and the house grows lighter, because, you know, you’ve probably put up Christmas lights by now. And, like slavering yetis, the majority of the British public have been out in force to hang festive lights and violently queue at places like Toys R Us for the last Turboman action figure, just like Arnie did in 1996 film Jingle All the Way.

How is your Christmas shopping going by the way?

Don’t answer that, I don’t care. All I care about is laying down some sweet facts for today and the upcoming week. So sit down, do some wrist rotations to limber up that scrolling hand, and prepare to drink deep from the never-ending font of Christmas based trivia that is Verbal Discharge’s Obscure Christmas Facts.

 

St. Nicholas told a Butcher that as long as he repented to god, his sins would be forgiven

Ok, so that seems like the ordinary deal, repent your sins and all shall be forgiven. Does it make it any different that this butcher had been chopping up children and placing them in a bathtub full of brine for seven years? It does, doesn’t it?

This is actually from the a popular little French song about St Nicholas which dates back to the 16th century. You can find the song in both French and English here.

St Nicholas’ exact words were:

‘Butcher! butcher! do not flee,
Repent and God will pardon thee!’

So there you go, cut up some kids this Christmas. Then, after seven years of Christmas child culling, repent and all will be forgiven! Isn’t God great?

 

Image result for christmas turkey
Imagine this, but made from children

 

The Colonel is big in Japan

That is right, Colonel Sander’s capitalised on Japan’s lack of Christmas tradition over forty years ago. Thanks to an incredibly successful campaign, KFC has become the staple Christmas dinner in Japan.

The man behind the plan, Mr Yokokawa, stated ‘many foreigners came to eat at KFC because they couldn’t find a whole turkey or chicken anywhere else’ and in 1974 KFC began to sell it’s first Christmas meal, chicken and wine, for around £5 a meal.

If anything, this highlights the ability to bend an entire culture to funding your company just by using a clever marketing campaign. John Lewis advert anyone?

 

Heil the Solstice Man!

Picture it, thousands of little Nazis running around the place hanging tinsel, rigging up some phat LED light displays, and trying to figure out a way to Nazify Christmas.

It shouldn’t be funny, but it is. It is funny. You see, Christmas was troubling to the Nazi ideology because of the whole Jewish background to our lord. So what do you do when you really like Christmas, but hate Christ. You replace Santa with Solstice Man! The worlds shittiest Christmas based knock-off superhero. He was basically Santa in grey with a bunch of Swastikas slapped on him for effect.

They Also changed the words to Silent Night and other Carols to remove mentions of God. I presume it went a little something like this:

Silent night, Nazi night
Son of Hitler, hate’s pure light
Radiant beams from thy Nazi face
With the dawn of redeeming Hate,
Hitler, Führer at thy birth
Hitler, Führer at thy birth.

No, no need to thank me, it was a pleasure to share this with you.

 

Paul McCartney is shit, shit is filthy, and he is filthy rich

Did you know that every year, Paul McCartney makes around $400,000 from his Christmas song ‘Wonderful Christmastime’ which is widely regarded as his worst song.

What does this say about the human race’s regard for their money! Stop funding Paul McCartney, and stop buying Linda McCartney’s vegetarian sausages! They taste like cardboard. There are better vegetarian sausages literally anywhere else. By buying those sausages, by buying that song, by buying into the effluent that people named McCartney pump into the world you are practically Hitler.

And yes, effluent does mean shit.

 

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me… a letter of bankruptcy

Christmas is an expensive time. A time that sees new lovers struggle to figure out what to buy each other.

‘What should I get her?’

‘How much should I spend on him?’

‘Why does Christmas have to be all about money?’

Some may even turn to the traditional Twelve Days of Christmas song for inspiration. Those twelve gifts must’ve been chosen for a reason, right? You bet your partridge in a pear tree you’re right! But if you wanted to buy your other half all twelve gifts, did you know it would cost £26,946.13.  And if you wanted to buy the presents for each repetition of the song it would cost you a whopping £122,725.65.

The most expensive single gift would, in fact, be seven swans-a-swimming, coming in at £10,289.34. And the cheapest being Eight Maids a Milking at £45.64 but why in the jingle bells would you want Eight maids a milking? Again, don’t answer that.

Perhaps you’re better off buying her some perfume?

 

Hi, my name is Rudolph, and I’m an alcoholic!

Hi Rudolph!

Yes, during the time period that the red-nosed-reindeer was conceived, having a bright red nose was a sign of chronic alcoholism. This, mayhap, could be the reason why he thinks he is flying.

Of course the man who thought up the puissant reindeer, Montgomery Ward, thought he would look like a drunkard. Other names Mr Ward considered included Rollo and Reginald.

Personally, I think Riley Reid the red-nosed-reindeer would be a good name.

 

Time for the last fact of this week. Once again, I would like you to cast your mind back to a snowy evening. December the 14th, 1901.

The scene is the Royal London Aquarium, fish are swimming around – as they are wont to do in an aquarium – people have gathered around for a most spectacular feat. Something that has never, ever happened before. Something that usually requires an entire field to play, not just a singular small room.

*Thwack* *pop* *smack* a little celluloid globe is battered mercilessly from one side of a table to the other. A man misses his swing, and shouts in agitation. His victorious opponent slides across the floor on knees that will most likely suffer carpet burns from the action.

Yes, December the 14th, 1901, was the first time that table tennis was ever played in a tournament format!

 

That is it for this week, we hope you enjoyed these facts that have been lovingly collected for you. If you did, please keep your eyes out for next week’s article releasing on Thursday the 15th of December. And, of course, be sure to keep your eye on our advent calendar for more Discharge Christmas shenanigans.

 

 

As close to handsome as we get.

One Reply to “Verbal Discharge’s Obscure Christmas Facts, Part Two”

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