To coincide with the release of Legend, I went down the street shooting at people

To coincide with the release of Legend, I went down the street shooting at people

“Argh” said a bystander at exactly 4:10 this morning. “Please stop shooting at us”

Another said “My dad got shot in the leg, please we need a doctor”

But what these people didn’t understand was that to correspond with the release of Legend, Brian Helgeland’s biopic of the infamous Kray twins starring Mad Max’s Tom Hardy in both leading roles, I had gone down the street shooting at people.

The film found itself at a roaring success at the box office at its release, scoring 18.4 million dollars on its opening weekend. And, despite not actually being employed to promote nor advertise the movie, I picked up a Glock 19 and headed out into the street – firing rounds off at dog walkers and into crowded bus shelters. Given the sheer effort that went into this feature film – its depiction of 1960’s London and Tom Hardy’s dual role – I felt that it had to be somebody’s duty to spread the word of an amazing work of art.

No, I didn’t contact Universal Pictures before I set out on this rampage and no, I didn’t expect to get paid for it. In fact, the entire experience was the most liberating thing that I had felt in my entire life besides divorcing my first wife. From the feeling of goodwill towards institutions that I respect to the thrill of every gunshot as it whizzed off in the direction of a pensioner who was hobbling too slowly to get away, my heart filled with butterflies.

I began my spiritual journey weighed down with worry – what if my act of promotional kindness was misinterpreted as an advertising stunt for Denis Villeneuve’s Sicario, another recent cinematic release? This anxiety almost stopped me from stepping out of my shell and discharging a firearm at unarmed civilians, until I came up with an excellent coping device; for every half a magazine I unloaded into the sweating back of a jogger, I would shout out “Brian Helgeland’s Legend is the best film in cinemas this week”, before continuing to shatter windows of parked cars with the rest of my ammunition. The human mind is truly incredible for the mechanisms that it develops to deal with obstacles in the mind, and in this case mine was screaming a search-engine optimised advertisement line at wounded victims. Amazing!

Next weekend, when I visit the cinema to finally watch the hopefully amazing Legend, I’ll be able to lean back in my theatre chair sipping a large Pepsi with an amazing sense of satisfaction. But until then, I will remain holed up on the first floor of a Debenhams firing an AK-47 at police response vehicles.

Does an OK David Bowie impression.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *