HOW TO: Form a Cult in 5 Easy Steps

HOW TO: Form a Cult in 5 Easy Steps

C’mon, admit it. You’ve thought about it before haven’t you? Its okay, you can shamelessly come forward with your confession, we’ve all been there. Be it whilst dusting the house or working your nine-to-five, the thought has occurred to all of us; “everything would be so much easier if I was the charismatic head of a great and powerful personality cult”. Just think about it, with hordes of adoring cultists to tend to your every whim, you could have yourself a very cosy little situation.

But where, dear reader, do you begin? How do you start a cult? What are the realities of the day to day admin of a cult leader? Is it in bad taste to release a line of branded merchandise to help fund your culting? Worry not, mindless peons. Right here, right now, we’re going to work our way through this crazy Helter Skelter of a situation, and tell you how to definitively start your own cult.

STEP 1) GET YOURSELF INTO THE MINDSET OF A CULT LEADER

Jim Jones

‘A journey of a thousand miles begins with but a single step’ said someone once, probably. It doesn’t really matter who said it or why, what matters is that it sounds important and thoughtful. It’s the kind of phrasing you’ll have to master if you are to become the central figure of a cult circle. Your followers will have to believe you to be wise and powerful, so it’s a good idea to have a large supply of morbid proverbs you can throw at them like they contain some sort of hidden message. It doesn’t matter what you say, or what it means, as long as it sounds foreboding. Practice saying things like ‘Soon the red mist of the new world will wash away the old order’ and ‘A raven has many feathers, but merely a single beak’ to yourself in the mirror until you have this technique down.

Eventually, with enough practice, you’ll start to sound like the real deal. Maybe you’ll even start to believe it yourself. But it’s important to remember that none of what you are saying is real, and you are only doing any of this to get favours / money / sexual kicks out of your soon-to-be flock of easily influenced followers. Still, this should not stop you from fully committing yourself to your new persona of an enlightened leader. Remember, you are better than everyone else, and if you’re going to lead a cult, you better start acting like it. Why not try referring to yourself exclusively in third person? Or perhaps start screeching like a falcon whenever you make eye contact with someone? The choice is yours. If your behaviour is erratic enough, eventually someone will be stupid enough to assume you know something everyone else doesn’t.

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2) INVENT A DOOMSDAY SCENARIO

Apocolypse

Any good cult needs a Doomsday scenario at the heart of its ideology. It can be an event you are trying to save your followers from, or one you are trying to lead them towards, just pick one and run with it. A good doomsday scenario is one that literally no demographic could be safe from, so make sure you cover all the bases and really push the idea that no-one will be spared in your prophesised orgy of damnation and merciless slaughter. Fear is a powerful motivator among lesser humans, and the thought of certain death will encourage most simpletons to at least hear you out.

But, how do you decide what your death of all things will look like? As an exercise, pick a random object in your home, and draw inspiration from it to create an end of days situation. For instance, a cheese grater could be used as the basis for an upcoming celestial event, where the cosmos are violently grated up into strips of nothing. Or perhaps a child’s train set could inspire a story of a great locomotive, flaming and full of demons, riding unto the earth and claiming the souls of the unpure. It really is up to you. Remember, this is your apocalypse, so make sure you have fun with it.

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3) DECLARE YOURSELF THE NEW MESSIAH / AN ORACLE / THE CHOSEN ONE

goat man

You’ve got the mindset down, and you’ve got your story all planned out. Now, it’s time to go public, and start raking in some followers. Once upon a time, the only real way accumulate members and form a cult was to perform a drug induced ritualistic sacrifice of some kind of animal, and declare your body the vessel for Ashnarada, the Serpent Prince, in the hopes that the sheer intensity of your performance would convince people to listen to you. However, times have changed. In the modern day and age, this can be accomplished in a variety of ways. You could hijack a local news broadcast, and start screeching your dogma in the back of a report, or even take to the streets with your message and an elaborate headdress, and start talking to people directly. A very popular way to get your cult off the ground days is to utilise social media, and start sending your messages directly to influential cultural figures and celebrities.

Ashnarada tweet

Whatever you choose to do, as long as you stick to your story and keep yourself in the cult leader mindset, eventually someone will be daft enough to believe you. When people start approaching you, be sure to remind them of the impending doomsday that only you can save them from (or bring them towards, depending on your angle). Spout enough bullshit at them, and soon enough they’ll be your loyal followers. Congratulations Mr Cult Leader, your cult just got its very first members!

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4) RITUALISTICALLY MURDER AN INNOCENT PERSON

ritual murder

It’s always been said that to make a good omelette, you’ve got to break a few eggs. The same goes for cults. If you want to form a deathly commune of cultists, someone is going to have to get murdered along the way. Again, it doesn’t really matter who they are, as long as they bleed. Pick a stranger literally at random in the street, it could be a businessman, a single mother, even a charity worker, and follow them back to their homes. Now that you’re there, it’s time to assess if they will be a good candidate for your first sacrifice. What are the entrances like? Do they have a dog? What about the other family members, will they be able to fight back? Is there a nearby tree you could crucify the youngest family member on? If you think it’s looking good, and you think you can pull it off, then assemble the cultists, and go full steam ahead.

Once you have assembled your cultists, brief them all on the situation, and make sure you stress the importance of this ritualised murder. Be sure to remind them that unless you harvest the lives and sexual organs of every single living thing in the house, then the great snakes will never transmerge their consciousnesses from the serpent realm, and into the bodies of those who are loyal to them.

Enter the house in the dead of night, and be sure to be as quiet as possible until you’ve successfully tied and gagged the entire family, and assembled them in one room. Pick the one that you think is the most universally liked, and kill them as an example. Have your followers spread their blood and entrails across the walls of the room whilst you recite incantations from the Serpentes Vultra (your order’s sacred text). Be sure to light as many candles as you can during this time, candles are very important to the ritualised murder aesthetic. One by one, kill every member of the family in the most grisly and depraved ways you can imagine. Don’t be afraid to get creative! You want the first police officer on the scene to be so repulsed by the things that they see, that the image of the murder scene haunts their nightmares for the rest of their meaningless lives.

Once you have killed them all, and arranged the bodies and surrounding area in an appropriate fashion, wipe your prints from everything and get the hell out of there before the sun rises. Then, go get yourselves a pizza. You earnt it!

PRO TIP: Why not order some matching robes for your cultists? If you’re going to perform a ritualised murder, then there’s no reason your squad can’t be on point while you’re doing it.

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5) ORGANISE A CHARITY FUN RUN

Run with MolaRam

A good cult is a genuine asset to its community.

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James Bosson is best known as the loudest member of Verbal Discharge. He spends most of his free time obsessively shouting at the News.

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