Top 10 Things to See and Do in Derby!

Top 10 Things to See and Do in Derby!


I am a man, and in order to continue being a man, I must be currently positioned in a location. Whilst I have considered the alternative of instead becoming ethereal, I have come to the decision that I would rather stay where I am, and that where is the glorious city of Derby! Derby is a city and unitary authority area in the East Midlands region of England. England is a country who didn’t do very well in the Rugby World Cup. Derby has a population of 248,700 and most of them are very nice. But if that isn’t enough of a reason to come and visit The Greatest City In Which I Am Right Now, here are 10 things that you must come to Derby to see and to do!

1. Get a job at Rolls Royce!

The second-biggest aero-engine manufacturer in the world, Dave Wilkinson has worked for Rolls Royce in Derby since 1989, and they’ve stuck by him despite his morbid obesity. It’s this kind of loyalty that makes Rolls Royce a great employer of people. With a fantastic pensions scheme and occasional paid holidays, putting yourself forward for their in-depth recruitment process, being successful in your application, getting hired and having a long and fruitful career, despite knowing you’ll never be able to afford the cars you’re making really is the best thing to do in Derby!

2. Drive to the Peak District!

You’ll almost certainly run out of petrol in your car and battery on your phone the moment you arrive but that’s what nature is all about! Get out there! Embrace nature! Go for long walks! Get lost! Forget to bring maps! Become irate and depressed as you realise you’re stuck in the middle of nowhere! Become slightly less annoyed when you realise you’ll never see your weird Aunt Mandy again! Or the rest of your family!

3. Visit Calke Abbey!

Do you ever look at your house and think “It’s good, but it could do with being more massive, old and full of tourists”? Well, if that’s the case, Calke Abbey is the answer! Unfortunately the credit rating they want is way beyond you, but it’s still a great place to wander around. I went there once and thought it was very nice. A bald man with a neckbeard walked into a hedge in the gardens.

4. See a film!

Have you ever been to a cinema? No you haven’t, unless you’ve been to QUAD! A really fancy-looking building, QUAD has three screens, a museum bit, a café, a gift shop, a reception desk, four public bathrooms, some members of staff and a wide range of films designed to appeal to people that live in Derby, namely, nobody.

If you’re not nobody and want to see a film like a somebody, go to a different cinema! We’ve got like four or something! You might as well go to all of them, decide on a favourite, then just never go back to any of them because streaming has killed the cinema experience cold dead.

5. Commit Arson!

Seriously, look at this place. Setting the place alight and watching it burn would be the best thing for it. Jesus Christ.

6. Go for a brisk jog around Markeaton Park!

With a wide range of wildlife ranging from swans to dogs to swans, you’ll never be short of things to look at at Markeaton Park! Filled with grass, hedges and trees, it is quite literally a place that exists.

And when I say brisk, I mean brisk. Don’t be lazy. You can’t afford to let those 50% Off Tuesdays meals from Fat Cat sit on your hips any longer if you want Ronald to ever even think about the possibility of loving you. And by ‘brisk’, I don’t mean ‘fast’. No way are you fit enough for that. Brisk. Keep it brisk.

7. Enjoy DerbyFesté!

An exciting arts collaboration celebrating the region’s cultural highlights, DerbyFesté is an amazing family-friendly experience, that’s so worth experiencing! However, it’s only a thing two days a year, so god knows what you’ll do for the other 363 days. Visit Nottingham and marvel at the new tram system, probably.

8. Watch some Top Sport!

Yes, Derby is the UK capital of Sports, with so many Sporting to choose from! Derby is home to many professional sides, including the football team who had the worst-ever Premier League season, the least-successful County Cricket Club in the nation, a rugby club so average I once scored against them and a badminton team who are bafflingly good considering nobody in Derby knows what a badminton is.

9. Be a woman!

It’s a really cool thing to do, especially if you’re a girl. All you have to do is wait until you’re 18, visit Derby, and Hey Presto! You’re a woman in Derby! If you’re a male person, it is slightly more difficult and expensive, but that’s just another example of sexism in action.

10. Kill me.

I live in Derby. This is a plea.

Nick Clegg apologist.

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