HOW TO: Kill Your Arch-Nemesis

HOW TO: Kill Your Arch-Nemesis

The time has come and you know it. They stole your favourite set of nesting dolls, or burnt your crops, or had passionate intercourse with your partner, or something like that. I’m speaking of course, about your Arch-Nemesis. They’ve been sitting smugly for far too long now, they think they’ve gotten away with it. Well, it’s time for you to prove that they haven’t. It’s time for you to strike and suckle on the delicious teat of sweet, sweet revenge.

But how do you go about doing this? How do you decide how to kill your most hated of adversaries? Worry not, dear reader, this question has troubled the minds of people far greater than you, so don’t be so hard on yourself about it. Instead, sharpen your trusty blade, start practising your villainous monologue into your bathroom mirror, and prepare your Spotify revenge playlist. It’s time to kill your arch-nemesis.


Snakes are always on the move, probably. I don’t know very much about snakes. But what I do know is that your arch-nemesis is a fucking snake, and one you need to execute. But, where are they? It’s likely they’ve moved since your last tense encounter with them. So you’re gonna have to hunt them down. There are several ways to do this. A personal favourite of mine is to take your trusty pack of bloodhounds to their last known location and track them across the mountains, but understandably this isn’t for everyone. These days, you can always just use social media to find them. They probably don’t even have decent security settings*, the fucking fool. Alternatively, just kidnap and torture one of their parents until they spill the beans. If you do this, make sure to saw off their head for later use.

*Remember to make sure your Facebook security settings are set so that only friends can see your contact info. You can do this by going to: Facebook > Settings > Privacy.



You’ve managed to track them all the way to Hull, or somewhere similar. “Why would anyone willingly go to Hull?” you’re probably asking yourself. But this is your arch-nemesis we’re talking about, and they aren’t like your standard human being. Now that you know where they live, you should stake the place out. Park somewhere nearby, but out of sight, and watch them. Watch them for days. Learn their routine, their comings and goings, and get them nice and figured out. This is probably the most monotonous part of the entire experience, so make sure you’ve got everything you’ll need to keep yourself nice and entertained. You could bring a travel Sudoku book, a satchel full of your favourite amphetamine, or a CD compilation of well known 90’s game show themes. The choice is yours.




Now that you’ve got their routine all figured out, it’s time to initiate the offensive. When they leave the house one day, perhaps on their way to work, sneak up behind them and bag that bastard. Whack a burlap sack over their head and beat them until they stop moving. Be careful not to kill them though, that comes later. Bundle them into the back of a van and bind their hands and feet so they won’t be able to move in the event of their awakening. Set your satnav to take you to a pre-selected abandoned warehouse, and start blasting that Spotify Revenge playlist we spoke about earlier.

I strongly recommend including Ante Up by M.O.P. on your playlist.




Now that you’ve strapped them to a chair in an abandoned warehouse, feel free to take as long as you need monologuing in front of them. They probably won’t even remember you at first, but they will. The longer you remind them of what they did, the more likely they are to apologise and beg for forgiveness and ask you to let them go. But you can’t do that, oh no no no. Keep monologuing. Don’t stop, no matter what. Baffle them with your continuous stream of almost nonsensical gibberish. Why not wheel out a TV and subject them to a really badly made insensitive porn parody such as: Jesus Christ: The Second Cumming? Whatever you chose to do, make sure you keep it going for as long as possible. Their final moments (or hours) should be ones of sheer confusion.

When you’ve had enough of tormenting their minds, strap a car battery to their nipples and watch them fry. I hope you remembered to bring some popcorn, because this bit is famed for how intensely watchable it is. After this, dump their corpse in a shallow grave and flee away into the night like the happy little murderer you are. Congratulations, vengeance is yours.



You’re probably wanted for murder, and it’s only a matter of time until they find the body. I hear Hawaii is lovely this time of year.



James Bosson is best known as the loudest member of Verbal Discharge. He spends most of his free time obsessively shouting at the News.

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